This actually feels pretty good – writing, that is. In case you didn’t know, I’ve been busy working for the man. Or should I say woman? Woman. Since my hire at Tory Burch, I’ve found my personal time dwindling down to a mere fingernails worth, which is then devoted primarily to “girlfriend time.” Which is no problem for me – of course – but for you readers? Ya’ll gots to wait! But fear not! I come bearing the goods!

So, my little reader, scoop up another bowl of that cheap ice cream you have in the freezer, pop on some fuzzy socks and let’s get to some good ole’ fashioned blog reading! Yay! Reading is fun!

"Mommy, look! I'm reading about Asian guys!"

Question # 1: Do you train kungfu?

Answer: Oh yes! I berry gewd at Kung Fu! Me rikey very much! You want dumpring? I make-a dumpring for sick dorrer fifty! CHING CHONG LING LONG TING TONG! … next question.

Question #2: Hey I read your blog often…..its really good but my question was I live in Columbus and Ive found myself checking out some asian dudes lol but I dont really know if they date east africans………

The whole “Do Asian guys date girls from (insert country)?” question is actually the most common question I get. From girls in Spain to girls in Cuba,  girls in East Africa to girls in India, I’ve heard em all. However, it doesn’t matter if you’re from Iran or Neptune, the answer to this question is the same: maybe.

Why maybe? Well, maybe you’re an overly jealous girlfriend with a diva complex, or maybe you’re a swinger who prefers to live her life on the edge [of the bed]. If that’s the case, then no normal guy, whether he’s Asian or not, would wanna date you. The real question is: would ANYONE (with a sensible mind) wanna date you?

Contrary to popular belief, the Asian guys of the world have yet to set up a big conference meeting to create a checklist of what types of girls we will date, and from which countries. We may be intelligent and organized , but not that much.

Now okay, I know this is sounding very PBS and family friendly with my whole “everyone is a winner” type of answer, so here’s the other half: when it comes to dating an Asian guy (or anyone) who was born and or lives in their home country, they will probably be less open minded to dating outside their race.

"Nah man, I don't wanna date that thing!"

The truth of the matter is that, unless you meet someone who was raised in a completely diverse urban city (or someone who is naturally an open minded individual) they’re probably going to date within their own race. If all the women they’ve ever seen in their life were Asian – their friends, ex-girlfriends, and coworkers – how can they really visualize a relationship with anyone else?

I mean think about it this way: you might be an open minded Black/White/Latin girl who is totally diggin Asian guys, but do you honestly think that ALL of the women within your ethnic circle feel the same way? So then why are you asking such a generalized question about us?

"Ahhh-Suh!! You ask-uh such-uh stupid question -suhhhhhhh!!!"

I will say this: a lot of Asian guys are into a lot of types of women. I mean come on! Look at our culture! We’ll eat raw fish, weird Asian candies, we have crazy Anime porn, and we even have some of the wildest fashions on the planet; what makes you think we’re not as adventurous in dating? All I’m saying is that Asian guys have it in them, but some of them just need to know (from you ladies) that you’re interested too.

To many, Asian people are the laughingstock of the world. We talk funny, we eat weird shit, our hair looks like it came out of a Dragonball Z episode, and we look incredibly different. Our culture is different, but inside, we’re still photographers, and dentists, and soon-to-be fathers, and bloggers, and readers – we just need a girl who can make us feel like we aren’t strangers from another galaxy. We want a girl who can accept and appreciate our culture as something that is different – not crazy and wild and reserved for the comic section in the newspaper, just different. If you can unlock that part of your mind, and if you’re willing to see our culture the way we do, then please, welcome to the list of “girls that Asian guys like.”

Question #… AHHH FUCK IT! I’m tired!

I‘ve been neglecting this blog just as much as a fat person neglects the stairs over the escalator. The time I spend actually writing on this damn thing is a shame – a shame I tell you! Nevertheless, I constantly receive Facebook messages from weary fans asking about random Asian-Guy related questions. Questions about what to do, who to love, and where to find it. I’d love to respond to each and every one of em, but how can I when there’s about 5 billion in my inbox?!

In order to address this accumulating pile of dirty laundry in the corner of my web, I’ve decided to create a new section to this blog:
“Q&A with Ranier M.” The concept is simple: If you have any questions or comments about Asian guys, Interracial dating, Dating advice, or even questions about myself, leave a comment on my blog. For a less anonymous and personal approach, check out the Official Facebook Page of “The Love Life of An Asian Guy” and leave a comment on the wall. Every now and then (or as often as I can) I will choose a few that tickle my nipples and I’ll feature it on this blog as a full post. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s start the show.

Question #1: Do you find it weird or pathetic that some black girls are into asian guys? Because someoone told me only self-hating black girls like guys outside their own race. Because we are ashamed. Or insecure.

I don’t agree with that but if you look at it closely, it’s kinda true. But what makes a black girl attracted to a asian?

Answer: What the shit? Is your friend some kind of sub-species of retard? What does dating an Asian guy have to do with insecurities or self-hating? Quite frankly, I find it offensive that your friend thinks this way, let alone yourself. Assuming that only insecure Black Women date Asian Guys suggests that we’re some sort of bottom-feeding sardines only capable of hooking up with the lowest of low class women.

SO CLASSY!

The thing that makes a Black Girl (or any girl) attracted to an Asian Guy will vary from person to person. One girl will dig her boyfriend’s slanted eyes while another is drawn by his ability to speak with a powerful voice. There is no clear-cut answer nor will there ever be one. People are attracted for different reasons be it physical, mental, emotional, or financial.

Furthermore, if you find your friend’s loopy philosophy to be “kinda true” doesn’t that make you “kinda” self-hating and ashamed and “kinda” insecure yourself? The bottom line is this: anyone can date anyone and it doesn’t matter if you’re dating a Persian guy, a Malaysian girl, or an uber cool Asian guy with spikey hair that you have a really big crush on yet you’re too afraid to talk to because you think he’s out of your league – the ethnicity of the person you’re dating doesn’t reflect your own qualities. However! If you’re dating one of those faux ghetto guys who walk with a fake limp then yes, you should be very, very ashamed of yourself.

Question #2:

I’m currently with a Taiwanese boy (and yes I’m a Caucasian female) everything is going great and all but there’s one problem that’s bugging me.

My Asian love (Allen) always thinks he’s inadiqate for some reason, not tall enough, not hot enough blah blah blah…I think he compares himself to other people a lot, also because he knows I’ve never dated an Asian guy before.

I’ve been trying to build up his confidence and I’m sure it’s working but I know he’s very good at hiding his feelings. He also tries to adapt to things too quickly and tries to be something he’s not, not sure if he’s trying to impress me or prove something to me? Not really sure how to make him feel like everything’s okay.

Answer: The problem isn’t that he’s an insecure Asian guy; the problem is that he’s just an insecure guy – period. Both of you need to forget the fact that he’s Asian, and you’re Caucasian. Let’s face it: you guys know you’re dating interracially, and it seems like one (or both) of you remind yourselves about it every damn day. You might think of something like “how can I help my insecure Asian boyfriend?” when instead, you should be thinking “how can I help my insecure boyfriend?”

The best way to deal with this is to act like your normal self. Act as if your race doesn’t matter. Just be a regular, sweet, loving, caring couple. Go on a ton of dates, make-out a lot, and watch T.V together. When you go out of your way to make him feel “special”, you may be isolating him and giving him the impression that he’s “different from other guys”, which means he requires a different set of attention. Don’t do that.

On the subject of male insecurities, the best way to make your man feel wanted and at-ease is to genuinely want him. Latch onto his arm when the two of you walk into a restaurant, text him randomly to let him know you love his kisses, and reassure Allen that although you’ve dated other guys, they can never compare to the man that he is. Also, find out his love language: what does he react well to? Does he tear up when you write him a letter? Do the veins in his wrist pump faster when you kiss? Or maybe he responds well to materialistic things such as gifts and presents? Find out what love “language” he speaks and use it to communicate your feelings.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s 4:27 AM and I’m watching Olivia sleep on the couch. She looks super adorable right now and I wanna cuddle <33

- Ranier M.

There I was, standing in the middle of downtown Santa Cruz looking for something – anything. I personally have never been in a life or death situation before, but to be in a situation where the life of my own girlfriend was at risk? That put me in a completely different state of mind. Livi was stumbling so much that she grabbed onto my arm like it was a handrail. I could feel her body giving out. All I could say to myself was “Please… don’t die…”

What would I do if the love of my life died?

Six Days Earlier (On Facebook)

From: Ranier
To: Olivia *This is the exact same message I sent her*

“Dear Olivia,

Lately, I know that things have been very hectic for you. School is stressful, work (although enjoyable) is eating up your time, and other bits of stress keep creeping into your daily life.

But I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need someone to speak to, I will always be here. If you need someone to cry to, I will always be here. I am madly, madly in love with you. More than you can ever know. Without you, the rest of my daily life seems so… blank. As if all the emotions in my life have been stripped away. Your love and compassion for me is the paint that brings my world to life. What we have, who you are, and your sheer beauty is a gorgeous painting itself.

I‘d like to ask you out on a date this Saturday. So long as our schedules are open, I’d love to take you out somewhere nice. You can dress up, I’ll put on something nice, and we’ll go out and have fun. You and I will eat GREAT food, listen to great music, and fall in love every second we’re near each other.

I‘m in love with you, Livi. This is OUR life, and we deserve the best.

We deserve each other.

With bursts of passion in each kiss, your future husband…

Ranier.“

The Following Saturday

Being with Olivia is like owning a garden of flowers. With each new day comes something new for you to fall in love with. It’s as if she owns this everlasting supply of beauty that blossoms at night. One day I’ll notice her lips getting softer, and the next, her hugs feeling tighter. But on that Saturday afternoon, as soon as she opened that front door, I thought to myself “How the hell are you getting prettier and prettier each day?!?!“

Having a relationship yields such a different lifestyle compared to the days of me being single. My single-years may have been tons of fun with a few days of epic-ness, but being with Livi is like that, but on steroids. Whenever we go out on a date (or anywhere for that matter – be it the drug store, or to get the mail) I always expect to be thoroughly entertained by our silly antics and crazy conversations.

Me: Babe, what if I introduced you as my “ebony girlfriend.” Like, what if I said “Hey guys, this is my ebony girlfriend, Livi.”
Livi: Ebony? What the! That sounds like you’re talking about a porno!
Me: Fine, I’ll call you my chocolate girlfriend!
Livi: Milk Chocolate!
Me: Deal! And you can introduce me to your friends as your “yellow” boyfriend!

You see, when I was growing up, I didn’t have the opportunity to make “childhood” friends. Most of my friends have faded away over the years. Even my best friends (who I’ve known since Middle School/High School) derailed into their own stratosphere. I guess you can say I was always a loner at heart. Coincidentally, Olivia’s situation was nearly identical. So what happens when two loners come face-to-face? EL PASSION!

Anywho, back to the story…

12:00 P.M – Olivia and I cruise through the hills of Santa Cruz, windows rolled up (so the wind doesn’t mess up her hair), listening to Sam Cooke’s “Portrait of a Legend” album. I’m still in shock at how gorgeous she looks. My eyes go back and fourth between the road, her face, the road, her lips, the road….

12: 50 P.M – We check into a kick-ass Brazillian Cafe that makes delicious bowls of Acai and fruit. We both shit in our pants with sheer joy and excitement.

1:30 P.M – After discussing the idea of a promise ring, I take Livi to my favorite Antique shop in Santa Cruz. Being that it’s a promise ring and not an engagement band, I figured I’d pick her up a nice ring that had lots of sentimental value and style. Unfortunately, we can’t find a damn thing. Instead, I get her a cute gold ring with pink jewels.

2:15 P.M – I realize that Santa Cruz people are a lot like San Francisco folks: organic hippies who love mother nature (but with less money and a lot less style.)

3:05 P.M – Livi is in desperate need of tasty food. Dinner plans are at 6:00 PM, but with her uber-fast metabolism, she’s fiending for some grub to fight off her tummy ache.

At Cafe Gratitude (getting a snack)

When you’re like me, and you reviewed over 100 restaurants within the past 3 years, you build a certain antenna for restaurant bullshit. There’s something in the salmonella scented air that just screams out “NO BUENO! NO BUENO!” This was one of those places.

For starters, it was entirely vegan: NO MEAT = NO LOVE! Secondly, Livi is incredibly allergic to any kinds of nuts (except for the ones you find on the streets of Santa Cruz, with their stupid dreads and shitty guitar skills) so, being that vegans substitute most of their ingredients for nuts, this made me exceedingly nervous. Lastly, the waiters had this look on their dumb faces as if  they’d been shot in the temperal lobe with a bb gun.

As our shared bowl of tomato soup came out, I felt a sliver of my dignity shoot down the toilet of my mind. “Is tomato soup supposed to look like this?” We took a spoonful of the soup and discussed.

Me: How do you like it?
Livi: It’s good! You?
Me: It’s nice!

Yea, nice: in the same way that hemorrhoids are nice. Just then, our greatest fear started to peak its way onto our table. First she started to scratch her throat. Then she took a few trips to the restroom. And just when I thought things were gonna be okay, she looked at me with a look of uncertainty and said “We have to go. Let’s just pay, and leave.”

It was happening. She was going into an anaphylactic shock. Pretty soon her throat would start to constrict, making it hard for her to breath. If worst comes to worst, she could even die…

” Babe! I can’t breathe!”
” You’re okay, honey… You’re okay… “
” Oh god… Oh god… I feel like I’m gonna faint…”

As we frantically searched for the nearest drug store, I could feel Olivia’s nails digging deep into my wrist. She clung onto my arm as if it were an IV pumping life back into her lungs. With every vice like squeeze from her soft hands, I visualized her tiny throat closing just a little bit  more… and more… and more. If she were to collpase onto the cold concrete, what would I do? Scream out for help? Carry her to safety?

After navigating a maze of zombie-like Santa Cruzians on the street, we found a nearby CVS Drugstore and bought a pack of Claritin which had enough antihistamine to stop the allergy. Our plans for the day were canceled immediately. I rushed her back home so she could get some rest. My poor baby… she vomited profusely on our drive back home (in a bag, of course) and was feeling waay under the weather.

In the end, everything turned out okay. She got the care and attention she needed to recuperate, and the rest of our day was spent cuddling under her rainbow colored bedsheets while watching shitty T.V shows. It wasn’t what I had in mind, but to be honest, it was better. With her, everything is better.

I took this picture a few months back. We had just gotten over an argument and were holding hands.

Me: 9 Months Ago

Some of you might be wondering “Where the hell did Ranier go? Is he dead? Did he quit blogging? Has he blogged his last blog, dislocating every finger rendering him incapable of writing a single sentence?” In a word: no. None of that is true. But remember when I said I used to blog about the love life I wish I had? Well guess what?

I finally have it.

When I was single, I would fantasize about the type of woman I would one day marry, imagining the personality, the voice, the face, and the heart that she might have. Would she be intelligent? Funny? Loving? I used to create these “imaginary women” in my mind as a way to stave off my loneliness. And after years of praying, waiting, and hoping, I’ve finally met the perfect woman.

But you know what the funny thing is? The interesting part about this story is that I never in a million years thought I would find someone THIS complete. This woman has everything I could ever want, including an endless supply of traits that go above and beyond what I expected. She takes whatever standard I used to have, and she shatters them into a million little pieces.

So, in case you are wondering, no, I’m not dead. I’ve actually been enjoying my time with miss perfect. Think of this as my “honeymoon” away from blogging.

Now, here’s the thing: I’ve written about the girls I’ve been with in the past – no problem. Writing about them was quite easy since (obviously) it didn’t work out. I can write a good heartbreak story, but a story about me finding real love? That’s difficult! So another reason for my delay is that I’m just damn scared! I feel very pressured to write the most amazing piece of bloggery in order to accurately represent the girl I’m with. I feel like a master sculptor looking at a giant slab of marble, wondering where to chisel first.

Blogging is a lot harder than it looks -_-

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to slip into cuddle mode so Miss Perfect and I can get some rest.

Oh, and one more thing…

My beautiful Girlfriend’s name is Olivia

Stay tuned for my next blog entry which will be about Olivia and I: how we met, who she is, and why I would never want to be with anyone else.

"The stupidity... it's so AMAZING!"

1. I Want To Visit Korea To Find Myself An Asian Boyfriend!

You're like the Women on Desperate Housewives... minus the Housewife part

Are you fucking kidding me? If you can’t even hook up with Kenny Hong, the Asian guy that works at Subway, then how the hell are you gonna find yourself a boyfriend all the way in Korea? And even if you do find someone, what are you gonna do next? Live there? Or did you plan on smuggling him through airport security?

I find it so bizarre that SOO many women magically wanna visit Korea to find themselves Korean boyfriends. It’s like “DUUDE! Do you realize how IGNORANT you sound?” Think about it this way: The idea of you going to Asia to bring back an Asian Man, is just as retarded as the White Men who go to Asia thinking they can smuggle themselves a submissive Asian Wife.

Now, if you legitimately want to visit Korea to experience the culture and possibly live there, then sure! That’s fine! Or maybe you might wanna visit and you have this thought in your mind that “Oooh! Maybe I might meet a cute Korean guy!” If that’s the case, then that is also okay. What I’m complaining against is the idea that some women think they can just go to Asia and BRING BACK an Asian Man, as if he were a damn “I <3 NY” t-shirt.

My Solution: Find an Asian guy in your town or go out of state if you have to. If not, meet them online and see if you can figure something out.

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm only interested in Asian men, so ummm... yeaaaaaa...."

2. Asian Men Who Are Complete Assholes

"Wat it DOH Shawty?!"

Alright, I’ve been involved in a fair ammount of Asian Male/Non-Asian Female groups, and I’ve gotta say: the majority of the Asian men in these groups are well composed, and very spectacular. They’re intelligent, funny, and cool to talk to. However, every now and then I come across some Asian dick-head who thinks he’s the next Pauly D (Paurree Dee?)

Now don’t get me wrong, confidence is a great thing and it can do wonders for your love life, but there’s a clear distinction between confidence and being a dick-head. Being a dick-head is when you comment/message a girl online and say “Hey cutie” or “Wadup ma?” Whenever I see this shit, I just wanna wrap my head in a burlap sack and throw myself in front of a train. It’s like, dude! I know you wanna break the “Asians are shy” stereotype, but you can’t go overboard!

Bro, we're yellow people - not orange.

My Solution: Take the Gentleman approach. Treat her with some respect and quit acting like this is all a “game.” I mean yea, in a weird way, dating is a game, but when you look at it as if Women are opponents that you need to defeat in order to “win”, you really make yourself a complete tool.

Here’s the thing: most guys have been lead to believe that, in order to get the girl, you need to be an Alpha-Male. In essence, you need to be very assertive, you can’t take no for an answer, and you have to be dripping in confidence. The ironic thing is that, when you deal with top-quality women who are constantly being approached/hit on, most of them are actually sick and tired of the overly assertive/cocky man. In their lives, they get approached by confident men all the time. So when you come up to her with all that swag, you look like every other guy that came up to her before.

"HALLO DERE SECKSI LADEEZ, U REDDY 4 SUM ACKSHON?"

If you want a good woman, you need to be a good man. It’s as simple as that.

3. Interracial Dating Isn’t That Complicated!

I was reading a few blogs and watching some AMBW videos recently and in these posts, people were delving into heavy shit: the effects of the media, the psychology of Asian Men, The Civil Rights movement, and a bunch of other historical crap. After watching/reading all of this, I thought to myself: what the hell is everyone talking about?! Why are you guys making it so much more complicated than it already is?

Here is the best advice I can give you about dating Asian Guys/Dating Non-Asian Women:

"Shhh! This is T.O.P secret advice!"

1. Have some balls (or ovaries) to approach them.
2. Get to know the person.
3. Ask them out.
4. Impress them with your skills in juggling, or whatever it is you do.
5. Fall in love.
6. Repeat step 5 forever and ever.

THAT

IS

ALL

YOU

HAVE

TO

DO!

Quit acting like it’s a goddamn chemistry experiment that needs to be taken care of with gloves and goggles, examined, and solved using the scientific method. Stop trying to “learn about Asian/Black culture” and start learning about the person you’re interested in. In the end, you are dating a person, not an entire ethnic group. I say this because, in my experience, the non-Asian women that I have bonded with the most are the ones who talk about my race/ethnicity the least.

The women I like are the ones that talk about art, and life, and music, and funny things they saw at the supermarket – not the women who obsess about Korean culture.

My Solution: Relax. If you could just take the time to see each other as people first, then you’ll realize that all of these ethnic discussions (although very interesting to talk and debate about) are pretty pointless once you start dating someone.

You see? This couple COULD be having wild sex, but instead, they decided to argue about Interracial Dating - now they're not talking

***************************************************************

I know this is a relatively short blog, but I’ve been a bit busy lately. School is finishing up, I have fashion stuff to take care of on my other blog, and I’m also preoccupied with a box of Cookie flavored ice cream Oh yea, and one more thing…
…I kinda sorta maybe met someone.

More on that next time

"ZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMFFFFFGGGGGG I NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!"

Me:You wanna get outta here?
Black Woman: … Now?
Me: Don’t get me wrong, I love these AMBW groups, but I’d rather speak to you in private.
Black Woman: Hmmm… I guess I could use some company.
Me: Come on, I know a great place that’s open late -  they makes the best coffee and desserts in the city

Lately, most of my interactions with Black Women have been in the form of giant parties where people just shout out random shit, not really caring about what is being said, or who they are saying it to (aka, Facebook Groups.) Luckily, I have this blog. I have a place where we can go and talk in private. What will we talk about? Well, if you could please pass me the creamer and a fork, I’ll begin. *sips coffee* Ahhhh… Alright, where do I start?

A Follow-Up On My Previous Blog: “I Think Black Women

Have Sexy Hair”

Fun Fact: This is my cellphone wallpaper

Ya know, when I first wrote that blog (over a year ago), most of my readers were actually White Females or Asian Men. I wrote it a few years ago and to my surprise, only recently has it begun to gain popularity. That single blog has been featured everywhere from Facebook, personal blogs like Tumblr, and even forums dedicated to Black Women who have natural hair.

However, I need to set something straight: just like anyone of any race, there are those with ugly hair and those with beautiful ones. Just because you have blonde hair doesn’t mean you look like Marilyn Monroe, and just because you’re a Black Woman doesn’t mean your hair is any less beautiful. Since that blog, my interest in Black Hair has actually matured from the “This is so different yet so beautiful!” to a more practical “DAMN! That is some SEXY ASS hair! Oh, you’re Black? Well, that’s cool too, but I’m talkin about YOUR HAIR!”

Excuse me while I change my pants

So to show my love for Black Women, I wanted to pick out a few hairstyles that I found very cute. Again, this is just my preference, and it doesn’t represent all guys.

Meet the beautiful Christelyn Russell-Karazin Check out her pro-AMBW blog at: http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/

In the end, what matters most is that you wear your hair. What I mean to say is that, no matter what hairstyle you have, you have to own it! You might be a gorgeous Black Woman with perfect hair, but if you don’t have the confidence to wear it, it won’t be as powerful. I’m also a fashion guy so if you can rock a nice hairstyle and a great outfit, well then shit… you and I are getting married right now!

Now, this blog post isn’t all about flattery and compliments. There are a few subjects that I’d like to talk about that aren’t as happy-go-lucky.

Black Women Who Are Hypocrites

Wowow! You're kinda hot! Can't we just talk this out?

The idea of Black Women and Asian Men coming together to discuss and communicate is truly amazing. It’s like watching two long-lost lovers who finally found each other. You watch them flirt, joke around, and sometimes, you see them argue. But one of the things that I really dislike about these groups is that every week, I hear a Black Woman say one of the following:

1. Asian Men Aren’t Special! They’re Just Like Every Other Damn Guy Out There!

My Response: Yea, that’s true, but do you really have to say it out loud? Ask yourself this: Are ANY of the Asian guys in the group saying “Black Women aren’t special! They’re just regular, ordinary girls! What’s the big deal?” To put it simply: no. None of us Asian guys are saying that kind of stuff, and it pains me to see Black Women in these groups who are constantly capping on Asian guys.

Just because you had a bad experience with an Asian guy on Facebook doesn’t mean all of us are full of shit. Trust me, I’ve had plenty of bad experiences with Black Women, but I’ve never considered those bad examples to be the standard. Whenever I meet a Black Girl that annoys me, I just tell myself “Ranier, don’t worry about it. She’s just making the rest of the beautiful Black Women look bad. Not all of them are like that.”

2. “You Like Beyonce? Well Then You Don’t Appreciate REAL Black Beauty!”

My Response: You like Taeyang, G-Dragon, T.O.P, Lee Minho, Peter Le, and Rain? Well then YOU don’t appreciate REAL Asian Beauty, either!

Look, I understand that not all Black Women look like Beyonce, and not all Asian Guys come out of the bed looking like Peter Le, but can’t we all just enjoy ourselves some celebrity eye candy? So what if you like Rain? Who cares if I like Alicia Keyes? Just because Alicia Keyes is sexy doesn’t mean she’s any less Black than you are – the same goes for Taeyang and T.O.P. So quit with that bullshit and let’s just enjoy the show… okay?

3. I’m Not Limiting Myself To ONLY Asian Men!/Why Do Asian Men Date White Women?!

My Response:  Wait a minute… so YOU can date anyone you want but WE CAN’T? Here’s the truth: When an Asian Guy makes the decision that he would like to date outside of his race, most of the time, he goes for a White Girl. Why is that? I don’t know, maybe we just think they’re easier to hook up with than Black Women. But just because we’re dating a White Girl doesn’t mean we aren’t interested in Black Women.

I Am An Independent Black Woman, And I Don’t Need You To Make Me Happy!

Alright, this next one is a little tricky. On one hand, I’d like to just go all out and say “WHAT THE HELL?!” but on the other hand I really do understand where you’re coming from.

It isn’t easy being a Black Woman in today’s society. To some, it just seems like the world is against you and no one is willing to help: not Black Men, not White Men, and in some occasions, not even other Black Women. Because of this, many of you are just born with tough skin. You were raised with an iron heart and a fist in the air saying out loud “I am a Black Woman, I am independent, and I can do this on my own.” And for that, I give you all of my heart.

Well, technically speaking, that IS where your heart is located

But when you go around in an AMBW group – a group where you should feel safe and comfortable – saying that you don’t need us Asian guys, it kinda hurts. Asian guys are stereotyped as not being masculine, so to claim that we’re not needed is almost like saying “you’re not man enough to take care of me.” I know you aren’t saying this, but that is what it feels like.

Why Are AMBW Groups Failing?

For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to figure out one simple question: Why do I feel so uncomfortable AMBW groups? Believe it or not, I think I’ve found the answer.

Compare the following:

Scenario 1: So you’re out with a bunch of coworkers having lunch when suddenly, someone starts talking about God and Religion. The conversation gets heated and at one point, two of your coworkers are almost ready to punch each other. But alas! The waiter comes to the table just in time, and hands you the bill. After lunch, you go back to your car (alone) and you drive back to work feeling very frustrated. What started off as a nice and friendly lunch has ended on a very negative note. You think to yourself “Who the fuck do those people think they are?!”

"HEY! What's your problem?!"

Scenario 2: So you’re out having lunch with your closest friends when suddenly, y0ur best friend says something very offensive about Women. Both of you argue but neither one of you comes to a point where punching is required. In the end, you and your best friend agree to disagree, and you both go back home to watch a few movies.

Do you see the difference? This is precisely why AMBW groups fail to unify their members: they focus too much on debating and discussing, and not enough time on actually hanging out and building relationships. For many of us, although the AMBW groups serve as a platform for intellectual discourse, in the end, we’re all just a bunch of strangers talking to other strangers.

Honestly, I don’t even know half of the people that I argue with. Some of the people in those groups are members that I’ve repeatedly argued with for weeks and weeks, and I’ve come to understand their style of argumentation, but I still don’t know who they are as a person. I don’t even know how old they are.

You see, the idea of Unifying two ethnic groups sounds very beautiful, but it isn’t easy – not one bit. Some of the snobby assholes in these groups like to believe that unification comes through rigorous discussions about race, ethnicity, religion, and values. And yea, I have no doubt in my mind that you can learn about a group of people like that, but is it the best way?

Think about this: A perfect example of two unified individuals would be  you and your best friend. For some of us, our best friends are often times complete opposites of who we are. You may be the smarty pants who got into Harvard, but your best friend might be a stoner white guy from Long Beach, California. Yet somehow, you managed to settle your differences and now you two are the best friends.

But how did it happen? Did you become best friends after arguing about religion and ethnics? HELL NO! You guys got along because you talked about food, and music, and what you did over the weekend. You guys got along because you took the time to understand each other as people. And that, my friends, is how we can unify Black Women and Asian men.

These two make a very, VERY cute couple

We should definitely continue our intellectual discussions, but we should also invest more time in getting to know each other as individuals. That way, when we do argue, we can say things like “I don’t agree with you, but you know what? I know that, when we aren’t arguing, you’re a really cool person. There’s more to you than this disagreement.“

So, if you really wanna unify this beautiful pairing, then we need to set up more meet-ups, more chat rooms, or even talk to group members one-on-one. I promise you: if you take the time to understand at least one extra member on a personal level, your time in the group will be significantly better. If all of us keep this in mind, and if we can all practice it, then I believe that the unification of Black Women and Asian Men will be achieved.

Black Woman: Wow, that conversation was intense!
Me: You call that intense? Wait till you come back to the apartment

"Stop crying, you're embarrassing yourself"

If I may, I’d like to brag for a good moment. As it turns out, being an AMXF (Asian Male + Non-Asian Female) blogger yields a few kick-ass benefits. For starters: I get a lot of Facebook friend requests. Last time I checked (which was about 2 weeks ago), I received over 120 friend requests within the course of a month – and that was just from Black Women. Right now, I’m guessing that the full number is anywhere between 130 – 150.

With that said, I’ve received a ton of flirtatious messages/comments. I’ve gotten everything from “I love your writing, you are so talented!” to “Aye, you single?” to “We would make some cute babies!” And after talking to various women, I started to notice something…

"Hey! I just noticed that your eyes are green! ^0^"

A majority of the women who were flirting with me seemed highly aware of the fact that I was Asian. In other words, they kept saying stuff like “I love Asian men! Asian men are so sexy! Yay Asians! I love K-POP!” Now, that’s a very good thing. It’s good because a lot of Asian guys still can’t believe that non-Asian women are interested in them, SO, in effect, sometimes you Women will just have to spell it out in plain Engrish.

However, when this occurs, something very interesting happens: instead of coming off as flirtatious and romantically interested, you might actually come off as someone with an Asian fetish, or someone looking to catch an Asian man, as if he were some mystical Pokemon. In some cases, the Asian fetish girls go waaayy overboard…

Yea, I'd hit it -- with a brick.

Example (based on TRUE events):
Scene: A Black Girl messages me on Facebook for the first time.

Black Girl: Ahn nyeong ha se yo! (hello)
Me: Uhhh… hi!
Black Girl: Eotteohke jinaeseyo? (how are you?)
*translates on Google Translate*
Me: I’m fine, thank you! How about you?
Black Girl: An nyeong ha siut seum ni ka? (I’m fine, thank you)
Me: Ummm… you know I’m not Korean, right?
Black Girl: I know ^__^

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Are you a goddamn idiot?! Do you not realize how ignorant that is? Wait, no, here, let me show you:

Example (made-up):
Scene: Me messaging a Black Girl for the first time

Me: Aye waddup shawty!
Black Girl: Hey!
Me: Whas’ good lil ma? You got a man or what?
Black Girl: Ummm, no, I don’t have a boyfriend. Are you okay?
Me: Ya know, I LOVE me some Jill Scott and Dwele! Wanna hit up the mall sometime and grab a plate of fried chi—

SEE WHAT I MEAN?! Do you see how damn ignorant that is? I mean, not only are you assuming that I speak Korean because I’m Asian, but you also assume that I’m Korean! Okay, now that your ego has been shot down, let me offer a very easy, very practical solution that anyone can do:

BE.
YOUR.
GOD.
DAMN.
SELF.

Wait, no, that sounds kinda cliche – let me rephrase: If you’re a shy artist who enjoys Latin music and photography, then be the shy artist who enjoys Latin music and photography; If you’re a track star who enjoys short films and graphic novels, then be the track star who enjoys short films and graphic novels. If I’m interested in you, I’m interested in YOU.

I‘m interested in all your little quirks, your flaws, your beautiful smile, and your adorable laugh. I really don’t care too much about your love for K-Pop. I’ll support it, and I’ll listen to it with you, but to me, that’s not enough to get with you. You can’t just come up to me and shout “AHN NYEONG HA SE YO! I LOVE K-POP AND ASIAN MEN!” and expect me to drop down on my knees and give you head — it doesn’t work that way.

"You like K-POP? *yawn* NEXTT!!!"

If I wanted to date someone who was obsessed with Asian culture, then I’d date an Asian girl.

Yeaaaaa... no thanks -- I'll pass.

So please, stop trying to be so damn Asian. I LOVE that you’re interested in our culture, and it really shows that you’re open minded. But you know what would impress me more? I’d be more impressed if you could dance Salsa. I’d be more impressed if you were an artist. I’d be more impressed if you could sing, or write, or that you loved animals, or that you volunteer at the homeless shelter every Christmas.

THAT is the shit that lands you an Asian boyfriend — not your iPod filled with K-POP. Race should matter to the point that it doesn’t matter. Race should matter to a point where you accept their ethnic background, you’ve taken the time to understand it, and you’ll use that information only when necessary. But please, don’t go changing yourself just because you wanna snag yourself a Filipino Taeyang.

And most importantly…

NOT ALL OF US ARE KOREAN, YOU DUMBASS!

FILIPINO PRIDE!!! *flex*

**IMPORTANT UPDATE**

In case you haven’t read my previous post, I have now created an **OFFICIAL FACEBOOK PAGE FOR THIS BLOG, “The Love Life of an Asian Guy”** Be sure to “like” it and send me as many comments as you want. You can suggest future blog topics, ask questions about AMXF, or even get one-on-one advice!

Yes, that is correct. I, Ranier, am going to be a used car salesman for the next 5 minutes to tell you about this great new offer! Introducing…

The OFFICIAL FACEBOOK PAGE OF:

The Love Life of an Asian Guy!!!!

"WAAAAAAAA!!! NOBODY LOVES ME! :'("

Yes, I know what you’re probably thinking…”AWWWW LAWD, THIS IS SURELY A MIRACLE!” And you know what? It kinda is! First off, as you may have already noticed, my posting schedule is about as frequent as your birthday. But it’s not my fault! I mean look: I could easily write shit blogs every week, but they would have no substance, no thought, and none of my falconian style. So how the hell am I going to fix that? Let me explain:

You see, I only write when my creativity is at 100%. If it’s at 80% or even 95%, I won’t write. But the best way for me to gain inspiration is to talk to you folks. I need to talk to you so I can hear your stories, your rants, and your questions, that way I can get more writing inspiration to start churning out masterful blogs!

"Ranier, I loved your last blog almost as much as I love my abs."

What I’m trying to say is this: I want this blog to become BIGGER, SEXIER, and ASIANER! I want this blog to be the Chairman Mao of blogs! I want this shit to be so big, you’ll skip your newspaper and head STRAIGHT TO THIS BLOG! But most importantly…

I feel pretty guilty for not responding to all the comments you guys post. And honestly, it’s a bit difficult since a lot of the comments have overlapping points. So, to curb that, I’d like for you all to “like” this Facebook page and to see it as my “Office.” Feel free to drop by and ask questions, talk to me mono-y-mono, and chat with your fellow sexy blog readers. This will be my castle, my lair, and your second home.

"Uhhhh... hey man... where are the extra towels at?"

So come on in!

Let me pour you a cup of coffee…

…and lets talk about how much you love being Asian/how much you love Asian guys!

"GUTEN TAG!"

CHEERS!

FUCK NO! WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?!

"LOOK AT ALL OF THIS! IT'S ALL OF YOU AND YOUR STUPIDITY'S FAULT!"

For some goddamn reason, the idiots of the universe have come to the retarded conclusion that All Asian Guys Are Shy. Now, some of you may be thinking “Hey, man! I think that Asian guys are shy, but I am certainly not an idiut!” Ummm… yeaaaa….about that. Technically speaking, you actually are not just an idiot, but a fucking idiot. You know why? Here’s why:

If an Italian Man yells at the dinner table, throws his spaghetti at the fireplace and says “AYE-UH! What do you think-uh you are-uh doing-uh!?” he is not considered an angry asshole – he is considered passionate.

If a French Man walks up to his drinking buddies, slaps them on the butt, and kisses each guy on the cheek, we don’t consider him a homosexual – we call that friendly.

And if a White American man shoots and kills Mexican Immigrants that try to cross the border, he’s not considered a psychotic killer – he‘s considered a patriot.

What’s crazy to one culture may be totally normal to another. The way we perceive a culture is highly dependent on our own. However, despite the fact that many Americans are homophobic, many of us can make the distinction between homosexuality, and a French Man kissing his best friend. We get it, we understand it, and we don’t judge.

"Did you see that crazy Italian guy?!"

But what about Asian guys? According to many whining assholes on the internetz:

If an Asian Guy doesn’t hit on a girl, or asks for her phone number, then he is ultimately deemed as a shy Asian boy.

But is that really true? Why is it that so many people are willing to appreciate the cultural differences of Italian, French, Black, and Latin culture, but not Asian? Believe it or not, there are real reasons why Asian guys are the way that they are. So please, sit back, relax, and let me pry open your ignorant eyeballs to show you why Asian guys are not shy.

Shy? What are you talking about?!

1. In Asian Culture, Being “Direct” = Bad

Consider the following image:
Key: Blue = Western Culture Red = Asian Culture

Stating Your Opinions

One of the greatest battles in history deals not with Nazis, KKK, or even Jedis, but rather, parents and children. Whenever my mom and I get into an argument, I usually end up saying something like:

Me: Mom! You’re not understanding me! You can NOT turn on the computer with the T.V remote!
Mom: Ranier, change your tone! You could have said that in a nicer way.
Me: Well, what do you expect me to say?!
Mom: You could have said “Mother, I don’t think you can really use the remote for the T.V. Let me show you how to use it the right way.”

As you can see,  my Western style of being direct often clashes with my Mom’s traditional Asian style of being indirect. Essentially, as Asians, we are taught that if we want to share our thoughts and opinions, we must do so by adding extra “fluffy” words in order to make it sound less harsh. By doing so, we avoid hurting other people’s feelings, and we maintain a sense of consideration for others.

What Does This Have To Do With Asian Guys Being Shy?

He's not shy, he's just embarassed to show off his giant smile

As a considerate Asian guy, you can’t just walk up to a girl and say “Hey, can I get your number?” No way hombre! You must bump into her by “accident,” apologize, talk to her for a few days, and THEN ask her for her phone number! As an Asian guy, this longer process is viewed as being respectful, and it’s our way of showing you that we care about your feelings and your personal space.

2. Asian Guys Aren’t Shy,We Just Overthink Things

"Hello there, cute girl! I come to you with a plan that will sweep you off your feet. How does that sound?"

One of the biggest reasons why men fail at approaching women is that, quite simply, many men don’t know what to say. They go in, with no plan whatsoever, and they start blurting out random noises. Shit! Some of you guys might as well go up to a girl and say “ooga ooga!” But NO! Not Asian guys! The problem with Asian guys is not that we’re shy, but rather, we tend to overthink things.

Think about it this way: Asians are hard wired to get good grades. In order to get a good grade, you need to study a bit, and you need to know what is on the test before you take it. So when it comes to the test of dating, often times, Asian guys spend too much time studying (or in this case, planning and figuring out what to do), and not enough time on actually going out and making a move.

"If my calculations are correct, smoking this cigarette while wearing this suit will guarantee that you will fall in love with me!"

Now, don’t mistake this for shyness. The fact that an Asian guy doesn’t make a move isn’t necessarily out of shyness, but rather, he just wants to make sure his plan is 100% guaranteed to work. Sometimes, we’ll be very interested in a girl, and we don’t wanna screw it up. So we create elaborate plans to sweep you off your feet, take you to the beach, and make love to you long, long time. Unfortunately, by the time we’re ready to make a move, some jerk jumps in and steals our girl!

3. Asian Guys Aren’t Shy, We’re Just Not Interested In YOU!

*BBW 4 AM* "Hai Azn Guyz! I'm single and ready to mingle! LAWLS! I'm so silly!"

Sometimes, people really amaze me. I’ll be talking to some 40 year old, 300 lb lady with a mustache, and she’ll be like “OMFG! THIS HOT ASIAN GUY AT WORK ISN’T TALKING TO ME! WHY IS HE SO SHY?! TALK TO ME, YOU SEXY SEXY ASIAN MAN! STOP BEING SO SHY! I DON’T BITE!”

Ummm…. are you forreals? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe – just maybe – the Asian guy isn’t interested? I mean come on! Just because you’re a fat White chick doesn’t mean I wanna sleep with you! I have standards too, dammit! Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I get the feeling that non-Asian girls expect Asian guys to be desperate – as if our confidence is so unbelievably low that we’ll just hook up with anyone with a vagina. Well guess what? You’re wrong.

So no, Asian guys are NOT shy, we just don’t wanna date 300lb girls with mustaches.

And if your name is Keni Styles, well then shiettt! You can date just about any woman you want!

4. Asian Guys Aren’t Shy,We’re Just Preoccupied  With School and Work

Rick Yune is an actor, so technically, this is considered "work"

It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that school and work are high priorities in the Asian world. As an Asian, your primary purpose in life is to make money – and lots of it. It’s programmed in our brains, son! Sure, we may be on the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to dating, but hey! Look at our figures! As of now, Asians hold the highest median salary in the United States! Do you think that would have been possible if Asian guys partied all night and had daily orgies with sorority girls? Possible, but not likely.

For many Asians (including myself), I was raised to believe that I can only have a girlfriend when I graduate college. The idea being that, if I have a girlfriend during school, I might get distracted. That idea is totally foreign to me now, but every now and then, I’ll “shut down” the factory of love, and focus on school. Sometimes it’s not even about getting better grades, but rather, spending more time to figure out who I am, and what I want.

Unluckily, a lot of Women mistaken this as shyness, when really, it’s just an awareness of one’s priorities in life.

****************************************

****************************************

What Does This All Mean?

Furthermore, what the HELL is goin on in this picture?!

Look: I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that All Asian guys are NOT shy. There are definitely a handful of shy Asian guys, as well as shy White guys, shy Black guys, and shy French guys. Shyness isn’t a characteristic of an ethnic group, it’s just your perception of someone’s behavior. If you think that someone is shy, it’s probably because you yourself are a confident person.

When it comes to Asian guys being shy, remember that there are many factors that can affect your perception. Things such as: culture, you being ignorant, and you being an idiot. Stop looking at people from the mindset of your own, and start seeing them from their culture’s perspective. Stop trying to change an entire culture when in reality, you’re the one that needs the change. Try to be understanding! Get to know Asian guys before you judge them!

If you keep complaining about Asian guys, this is what will happen to you: REJECTION!

The more you bitch and whine about us Asian guys being shy, the more ignorant you start to sound. It just proves that you’re lazy, and unwilling to accept the differences in OUR culture. So spread the love, get yourself an Asian man, and shit… if you must, go talk to the Asian guy your damn self!

What’s wrong? You don’t want to? Or are you just being shy?

"Let's go meet our parents! YEAAA!"

If you’re a non-Asian girl meeting your boyfriends Asian parents, you are already at a disadvantage. All the rumors you’ve heard about Asian parents being strict and mean? 100% true. Asian parents can be vicious, judgmental, and even a tad bit racist. But here’s the thing:

Whenever I hear stories about non-Asians meeting their future In-Laws, it always goes something like “Oh man, at first I was so nervous! But once they got to know me, they loved me! We were having a blast and we even played twister!” Yea ummm, about that…

"ha..haha...haha.... yeaaaa, that's not gonna work."

Asian parents don’t give a FUCK if you can play twister with your legs tied together while playing “Like a G6″ on the violin. Sadly, Asian parents are very materialistic, and they care about status and wealth. So before you stand in front of the mirror chanting “Just be yourself!” realize that in the world of  Asian culture, yourself may not be good enough.

But fear not, my Asian loving goddesses! I have the solutions! Here are some tips for you Non-Asian ladies which will gain you some credibility, trust, and above all, honor, within our family. Buckle up, it’s going to be one herravu good time!

Peter Le Takes Shots every time I post a new blog.

1. Have a Great Job and Make Lots of Money

"MONEY IS GOOD. GOOD IS MONEY. YAY MONEY!"

Money may not buy you romantic love, but it can sure buy you love from Asian parents. You see, Asians are very aware of their status in society. We constantly keep tabs on who’s making money, and who’s buying the latest gadgets. We notice when the neighbor buys a new BMW so when the 2014 model comes out, we can top them by buying it – in black and white. It’s an unfortunate reality but in the Asian household, money is the head of the house. Fuck happiness, they want money, honey!

So one of the best ways to win over Asian parents is to have a good job that pays well. And by good job I mean: Doctor, Lawyer, Nurse, Engineer, or something that an Asian would do.

"You're a Doctor? WELCOME TO THE FAMILY! Oh, btw, what's your name?"

Now of course, not all of us can score an 800% on the calculus-z test like Akbar Jabeer, and land a job working on Area 51 Spaceships. No worries! I suck at Math too! But as long as you can show that you earn a decent living, our parents won’t complain. But be aware: You might be earning a comfortable $50,000 a year but if your boyfriend’s parents earn $120,000, they sorta expect you to keep up with them – if not now, then eventually.

So what can you do if you don’t make that money?

"I durn know how to make more monies :/"

2. Have a Job That Is Reputable

As I said before, Asian parents give a big shit about reputation. The irony is that Asians have really nice houses, fancy cars, nice clothes, yet we eat at the cheapest of restaurants, and we steal a shit load of napkins from McDonalds. But it doesn’t matter. To them, what you see is what’s important. For all I know, my Asian friend with his red Porsche could be wiping his ass with old Taco Bell receipts.

So if you’re not earning 6 figures, the best thing to do is to have a job that has social value. Something that’s prestigious, noble, or professional. Basically, if you’re working in an office, a tech company, the medical field, or you’re simply an engineer of any kind (A Subway Sandwich “Engineer” doesn’t count), you will be viewed as part of the money makin’ family (due to the fact that within your industry, if you get promoted, you could make a lot of money.) So plop that reputable paycheck on the table cuz baby, we’re going to Quiznos for dinner!

"OOOOOOHH LAAAAAAAWWWWDD!"

3. Eat Our Food and ENJOY IT!

"OMG! I LOVE IT WHEN ASIAN THINGS ARE IN MY MOUTH!"

As of now, my older brother is dating a White girl. They’ve been together for about 2+ years and she’s really adjusted to the family. This is primarily due to the fact that at one point, she actually moved into our house. Now, I don’t take much space (all I need is my laptop, T.V, and the fridge, and you can take the rest) so I was pretty cool with her staying. But my mom on the other hand, wasn’t.

One day we were getting ready for dinner and my mom slaved over a pot of Filipino soup. The soup was darn good and you eat it with fish sauce and sometimes shrimp paste. As we slobbered and slurped in a loud frenzy, my brothers girlfriend placed her bowl on the table, and started to eat. Only she wasn’t eating my mom’s food, but rather, a bowl of Macaroni and Cheese.

Really now? Macaroni? REALLY?!

What happened next seemed to have appeared in slow motion, because damn son, it was intense! My mom looked at her and asked

Mom: You’re not going to eat the soup?
My Brother’s Girlfriend: Oh no, it’s okay!
Mom: ..hmmm

NO! IT IS NOT OKAY! OH LORD! WHY DID YOU DO THAT! YOU DUN WOKEN UP THE SLEEPING DRAGON! My mom then threw the boiling soup onto her face, causing her skin to bleed! LOL! Okay fine, that last part didn’t happen, but I could see it in her eyes that she was disappointed. Whether my brother’s girlfriend liked the soup or not, the fact that she didn’t try it was what killed her reputation.

You see, as immigrants from Asia, we try to be Americanized but at the same time, we hold a tight grip on the few traditions and customs we have. Food is one of the biggest ones. And if you’re not willing to try our soup, and our smelly fish sauce, then (in the eyes of our parents) you’re basically telling us “When your son and I have kids, I’m not going to feed them your Asian crap!”

"Ummm....yahhhh, so, I'm not gonna feed my babies any of this Chicken Chow Mein Shet. Mmmkay?"

So please, come in with an open mind, and be down! My mom LOVES it when we have non-Asians guests that try out our weird and wacky food. To her, it’s entertaining and it brings her happiness to see our culture being accepted by others. But above all, EAT THE DAMN SOUP!

"EAT THE FOOOOD!"

4. Take The Family Out For Dinner

"Free food? OH HOW WONDERFUL! SO DERICIOUS!"

Hugging my mom? Kissing my baby cousin? Do you honestly think that’s enough to win over my family?

One of the secrets about Asian culture is that if you want to show that you care, you feed someone. To us, food is the currency of love. The idea of nurturing someone’s hunger and ultimately, their health, is seen as one of the most highly regarded acts in all Asian culture. Whether it’s a basket of pork buns, a bag of fresh kiwis, or an order of peking duck, food is the ultimate game killer.

You could be taking a shit on our front porch but as long as you bring home some good (Asian) food, we don’t give a damn! Now of course, the type of food you give should be dependent on the family in question. Don’t just roll into a Chinese family and expect your Panda Express orange chicken to win any hearts. You have to be smart. Talk to your boyfriend and ask him what you should buy. Or, better yet, take the entire family out for dinner!

"Grandpa, what do you think of my new Mexican girlfriend?!" "Yea she's cool--OOOH! SHRIMP DUMPLINGS!"

Asian people love free stuff. Free samples, free coupons, and free money. But what they also love is when people take them out for a free meal. OOOOOOOH! I can already feel my inner Chinaman jumping for joy! ^_^ But once again, depending on how traditional you boyfriend’s family is, you need to pick an appropriate spot that will appeal to their taste buds. Some families would be happy with a trip to Outback Steakhouse, while others prefer a trip elsewhere. (pssst! Dim Sum is always a good bet!)

Once you fill everyone’s yellow belly, you will see the tension disappear. But wait! You must not forget to pay for dinner. I know this sounds like a no brainer, but in Asian culture, paying for dinner is a sign of honor and respect. It also shows that you have money and that you’re a good host. So if you can, before everyone finishes, secretly take care of the check, that way none of the Asian parents get a hold of it first. After a few of these dinners and a couple baskets of fresh pork buns, you’re in the clear!

Congrats babe! No one hates you!

RANIER, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Look: The advice in this blog is relative, but honestly, I find it to be very relevant and very true. It doesn’t need to be said that the most important thing of all is to be honest, respectful, and polite. But just understand that Asian culture is very very different from others. You can’t just employ the same tactics that your Latin family enjoys, and apply it to us. If you do, you just might have to hang yourself.

So don’t forget: get a reputable job, make good money, take us out to eat, and EAT THE GODDAMN SOUP!