What do you want in a relationship?

A couple months ago I was talking to my highly intelligent (and very pretty) lady friend on the subject of love and relationships.

I have a new celebrity crush: Meg Ryan.

I have a new celebrity crush: Meg Ryan.

We’re both single and quite frankly, we prefer it over the more messy, hostile lifestyle that couples seem to endure. But then she took me by surprise and asked me a question that has been kicking my brain into submission for weeks and weeks.

Me: Yea, I enjoy being single… but it would be “nice” to be in a relationship. Ya know?
Her: Can I ask you something?
Me: Shoot.
Her: What do you want?
Me: Huh? In terms of what?
Her: In terms of relationships. Why do you want to be in a relationship? What is it that you want?

Now, I’m not gonna brag or anything but shit, I think that when it comes to relationships and love, I’m quite experienced. I can give relationship advice and sell it as if it were spoken by Jesus himself. If I were a World of Warcraft character my “Relationship Experience” would be like, 30 billion, bro!

This simple (almost elementary level) question paralyzed me. And at that moment I realized…Holy shit… what DO I want? Do I even know what I want? Or do I just arbitrarily want to be in a relationship? And as the minutes of silence creeped over the internet conversation it was clear: I was fucked.

I really didn’t know. I felt stupid. NAY! I felt defeated! I felt like Bill at the end of Kill Bill Vol. 2, when Beatrix Kiddo surprised him with the 5 point palm exploding heart technique. So like always, I took my time, and thought about it. I thought about it constantly, repeating that same question over and over again.

” What do you want? What. Do. You. Want? Whadya want? What DO you want? WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT?!”

In order to come up with my answer, I tried thinking about other answers people might/do use.

Top 5 Lame answers:
1. I just want somebody to hold.
2. I want to be myself.
3. I want someone to grow old with.
4. I want to be loved!
5. I like turtles.

I give up…Maybe I don’t know for sure. Maybe I don’t want anything at all and I just want a relationship for some arbitrary reason. Maybe I’m just a lonely-fuck who wants someone to fondle. Or maybe I just want someone to play video games with. Aghhhh, who knows? But here’s what I’ve got so far…

For my entire life I’ve always been skilled at many things: drawing, photography, school work, etc. But I’ve never been the best at something. I was never the fastest runner, nor the greatest artist. I was just good. And that bothered me. In order to remedy that loss, I’ve been spending my entire life trying to collect more and more skills: cooking, learning how to dress well, and other things that would make me a better, more well rounded person.

Id be like Don Draper (minus the whole cheating on my wife part)

I'd be like Don Draper (minus the whole "cheating on my wife" part)

But deep down, I knew something. Hell, I’ve always known it: I’m gonna be an amazing husband. All of the knowledge that I’ve acquired over the years happens to be things that would make me a very good husband. I would be the most patient and understanding husband. I would spontaneously cook my wife breakfast in bed, and send daisies to her office – so she can feel special. And she wouldn’t have to be a model because I would already make her feel beautiful. All she needs to do is give me an opportunity.

The truth is, I have no real answer. The above paragraphs are merely words that I thought sounded kinda nice so I decided to add it, in order to add “emotional spice” into the mixture. But the question still remains: What do you want?

****************************************

I want: to know what I want

Waking up “in an empty house” is the hardest part

I don’t know about you, but I always get this eerie feeling when I wake up in my house, realizing that no one’s home, and I’m all alone.

There’s this atmosphere, as if there is none – like living in a vacuum. And right when you wake up it’s almost like for a second, you can feel the emptiness. But aren’t we all alone? Aren’t we all just flies trapped inside of a glass jar?

Earlier today I was in the hospital lobby waiting for my brother to finish his checkup. And although I had to wait for about three hours I kinda…. I kinda enjoyed it. The people inside of the hospital were incredibly interesting to watch.

Twiddling my thumbs I watched as people, random people who don’t know each other,  were interacting. A little boy was playing with a dog – one that belonged to a woman who was also waiting; A gangster looking guy opened the door for a little old Chinese woman; and fireman were wheeling away an elderly man as they comforted him with kind words:

” Everything is going to be okay. “


It’s kinda beautiful, ya know? Astronomically speaking, when two Galaxies collide, it is said that the stars within that galaxy have so much space in between that once they combine, not one star will touch another. There’s that much emptiness.  It almost seems as though life should end up like that…

There’s so many people on this earth, and yet… we do smash into each other. We do collide – and we want to. Sometimes we do things out of our way, just to feel less lonely. Maybe that’s why we open doors: to know that someone is actually walking in.

So in the end, are we really alone? Are we all just dreamers waking up inside of glass jars? Yes…. but it doesn’t have to stay that way…