The 5 NEW Rules of Successful Dating (+ Tips)

When it comes to dating, a lot of us draw inspiration from movies and music. But after years of following in the footsteps of movies like She’s all that and A lot like Love, I’m beginning to understand something very important: these movies hand out bad/outdated advice! But is there anyone brave enough to solve this problem?! Are there any macho Asian cowboys ready to write a blog about the NEW rules of dating?

OH LOOK! OVER THERE!

Model: Daniel Liu

1. Never say “Hi”

Nowadays, you can’t just waltz up to someone and say “hi, what’s your name?” and expect them to react with excitement. The reason why is because the word hi is a pick up line in and of itself. Saying this one syllable phrase is equivalent to saying “What’s that in your eye? It must just be a twinkle ;)”

Tip: If you want to hit on someone, you can’t let them know you’re hitting on them. Put it this way: If you wanted to scare someone, would you go up to them 5 minutes before and say “Hey, guess what? I’m going to scare you! You better watch out!” Of course you wouldn’t! The same applies to flirting. Don’t let them know what your intentions are (right away).

2. Act like a flaccid penis

 

"Hi there. My name is Clark Kent and I'm very shy and weak and skinny!"

No, I’m not saying you should be itchy and irritating when sweaty. What I mean is you shouldn’t go all out, guns blazing on the first date. Be a mystery. People like unwrapping presents so make sure your personality is like a present. When you first meet someone, don’t splurge and tell them you can cook French food,break-dance and give great oral sex! Let them find out on their own!

It’s much sexier when you find out about someone’s hidden talents and abilities later on in the relationship. It keeps things fresh and makes them wonder “what else is under his/her sleeve?” You gotta warm them up first before you let them have the full hard on!

"SURPRISE! I'm buff, handsome, AND I'M ASIAN!"

Tip: One of the best ways to surprise someone is through the music you listen to. For me, I find it extremely sexy when I’m listening to music with a girl and she says something like “Hey! I have this CD!” So if you know the other person’s favorite type of music, get interested in it, and surprise them by playing it.

3. Know when to end a conversation

Jack Dawson was a professional

Often times people get the idea that if you talk to someone for hours and hours each day, you “get to know them” and it brings the two of you closer. Sure, that is true – but so is not talking to them. Sometimes it’s better to leave the conversation hanging, that way you end on a good note, and you keep the other person wanting more. Its quite simple, watch:

(This happened to me two weeks ago)

The real girl was a brunette - but she was still gorgeous.

(15 minutes into the conversation…)
Her: So how about you? What kind of girls are YOU into?
Me: Hmmm…well that’s a pretty tough question because I have a lot of answers.
Me: Unfortunately… I have to head out << lie
Her: Aww! Do you have class?
Me: Actually, I have to meet a friend << Another lie
Me: But it was nice talking to you! Hopefully I’ll see you around school again 🙂
Her: Yea!  🙂

Tip: When you create space in a relationship, it makes the whole thing turn into a magnet. Like real magnets, when you pull them apart slightly, you can feel the two sides trying to come back together again. You feel this strong force and once you let go, they snap back – hard. Same thing with relationships. You need to create space in order to let your feelings for each other grow.

4. Date a lot of people, then choose one

Speed dating = Probability Win!

If you want the mother-fuckin truth, here it is: waiting for the one is just as stupid as praying for Nickelodeon  to come out with a show staring Hitler as the main character – it just won’t happen. However, I do believe that there is someone for everyone. But how can you find them? I mean fuck! There are billions of people on Earth! Will any of us have enough time to date them all?

Of course not. Instead, what you need to do is date a bunch of them. It’s simple math really: the more people you date, the more likely you are to find someone you want to stay with. Just don’t be an asshole about it. When I say “date them” I don’t mean you should go out and give them flowers and tell them you love them. Take them out, and get to know them. That’s it.


Tip: If you’re worried about leading someone on then stop for a moment, and slap yourself. You need to be smart about your actions and you must be aware of how your actions are being perceived. Although you think things are going smooth, you might be leading on your date with your little phrases like “oh my god, you’re so perfect!” or “Why can’t more guys be like you?! ” If you say shit like this, don’t be surprised in the end…

5. Get off your ass and start dating!

Philip Huang (male model) is a professional

Most of you fuckers are just sitting at home, eating from a bag of stale Cheetoes, wondering why you can’t find dates.  Instead of going out, you act lazy and expect to find someone waiting by your doorstep. Or maybe you’re just waiting for the next semester when you get new classes, so you can meet new girls/guys – right?

You can’t do that shit son! You have to expand your horizons! If you’re only looking for dates within the classroom, then you aren’t trying hard enough. Go to the mall, go to the library or go to bookstore! Go on Craigslist for christsake!

Tip: Browse through your Myspace/Facebook friends and ask yourself “which one of these cuties do I want to take out on a date?” From there, send them a message, and plan something out! Just because it’s online doesn’t mean it’s not a good source for dating – it may not be the most reputable place, but it works.

****************************************

Dating is like a videogame:

It’s all about your stats and skills.

I think I’ve fallen in love with an older woman

Every now and then I set up an intimate date filled with great food, mind opening books, and no sex. Today, my date was a dark skinned, liberal big mouth – luckily, he paid for my dinner. Yes, that’s right, I took myself out on a date.

There's nothing better than some good ole' "alone time"

Bathed in a sea of dark blues, chocolate browns, and blacks, I pulled together an outfit that would make Pete Campbell proud. I commenced the night by strolling through the halls of Valley Fair mall.

There were Women. Everywhere. Of all shapes, colors, and cup sizes. And there were also Men. Everywhere. Of all shapes, colors, and gut sizes, eye raping these Women. I felt like a teacher’s aid watching a classroom full of immature boys bouncing off the walls as they ogled the sea of single ladies.

"DAMN NIGGA!"

The best place to see this is at those kiosks where “hot girls” dress up in revealing outfits as they solicit free hand jobs. Not real hand jobs, but the ones where they rub lotion into your hands, compliment you, and then tell you to buy their shitty product that’s supposed to “cleanse and detoxify your skin!”

Men, beware of these Women! They’re pretty fuckin crafty. They will say anything just to get your attention. Earlier today, I even heard one of the girls say “Sir, please, come back! No! Don’t walk away! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” And the shit that they say to the gullible shmucks who are just there to there to window shop, well…. they work.

If only they looked as good as Grace Park...

But not me. For starters, I’m not into those “hot girls” who have more brains than actual brains. I can’t be persuaded by looks and false romance! I’m not some douchebag! I’m not that desperate and I’m certainly not that…..wait a minute…is that?

OH
MY
GOD!

IT’S HER!
IT’S FUCKIN HER!

No lie, but the actual girl I'm talking about looks ALOT like the girl pictured above.

So as I was walking, I saw this girl at the Rosetta Stone kiosk. The thing is, she’s also an employee at the bank I go to near school. During the summer, I would go there  and wait in line with the hopes that she would be my teller. Some times, I would even let other people cut in front of me, just so I could get to her.

First off: she’s Filipino. No, dude, she’s REALLY Filipino. She talks with a muzzled accent and you can just tell by the way that she looks, that she was born in the Philippines. (The thing is, I generally do NOT date Filipino girls from around here. A bunch of them are assholes who think they’re barbie dolls. They want drama and they follow the crowd.)

I ❤ Filipina Actresses :))

Second: She’s gorgeous. FUCK she is gorgeous! I just want to take her to the nearest roof top and ask her to marry me under the stars. She doesn’t wear heavy makeup, and she doesn’t dress in skimpy outfits.

Third: She’s also very sweet. When I first met her, she swiped my debit card, looked at my obviously Filipino last name and asked “Oh! You’re Filipino, ha?” She smiled a beautiful smile, and handed me my cash. And every other time I go there, she’s always genuinely kind to me. (Okay, back to my story…)

Okay so I saw her sitting down and I stopped. Is that…her? I walked up to her and made my approach…

This is how I looked like when I went up to her. Exactly like this (and yes, he's also Filipino)

Me: Hey!
Her: Hi!
Me: Wow, so you’re working both places, huh?
Her: Oh yes, well I work there during the day and I come over here at night.
Me: Wow, what are you trying to buy?! Are you living on your own?
Her: Well I finished my studies…

(Note: Anytime a Filipino girl refers to school as “studies”, you know she’s from the Philippines.)

Her: Well I finished my studies so I just work since I have nothing else to do.
Me: Finished…?
Her: Yes, I did all my studies in the Philippines.
Me: Wait… so how old are you?
Her: I’m 25

(FUCK! FUCK! MOTHER FUCKER! WHYYYY?! WHY CAN’T YOU BE MY AGE?! OR RATHER: WHY CAN’T I BE YOUR AGE?!)

Maybe I can have one of those Ashton Kutcher/Demi Moore things goin on! AM I RIGHT?! AM I RIGHT?! =DD

Her: How about you?
Me: (trying to be nonchalant) haha, how old do you think I am?
Her: I keep forgetting! I remembered it before when you came to the bank, and when you swiped your card I saw it on your profile. Maybe next time I should see! haha.
Her: (smile) Hmmm… I’ll say 21
Me: haha sure, I’ll take that.
Her: haha no wait, how old are you?
Me: I’m nineTEEN….

MISSION FAILED!


Her: Ooh okay!
Me: (changing the topic) So did you sell anything today?
Her: Yes! 😀
Me: Haha,  pro! What did you sell?!

(more conversation about the products)

Me: Well, I have to head out – I have dinner reservations. But it was nice seeing you again!
Her: Yes! I’m glad that you saw me! (… is that a sign?)
Me: haha, yea 🙂
Her: What’s your name again?
Me: Ranier. It was nice seeing you Cheryl!
Her: Bye! 🙂
(shakes hand)

Cheryl and I could one day be a...a SUPER FILIPINO COUPLE! AM I RIGHT?! AM I RIGHT?! =DD

And just like that, my night was 100x better. I felt like a king. I mean fuck! How random was that? Unfortunately, she probably thinks I’m too young. I’m getting tired of this 19 year old bullshit! Anytime I meet a 20 something year old girl who asks me for my age, I can see a cringe on their face when they hear the word “TEEN.”

But that aside, I won’t give up. I wont necessarily pursue her either. Instead I’ll keep her file in the “to be continued” section. I mean, who knows? Age doesn’t matter and it may or may not matter to her. Either way, she’s a lovely woman with a sweet yet graceful air that punctures my god forsaken soul. If the other 40 billion Filipino girls in this area could be like that, I would finally be happy. Till then… back to going on dates with myself…

….FUCK!

Oh yea, he's also Filipino. LAWL!

****************************************

Maybe I should just move to the

Philippines and become an actor…

If you reply to a personal ad on Craigslist, does it make you a loser?

Admit it. You’ve done this before – at least twice.  First, you start off by harmlessly searching the Craigslist postings, looking for used cell phones and freebies. But then… you start to steer off the road and check out the personal ads. But tell me, oh dear reader, IS THAT SUCH A BAD THING?! Is it okay to find dates online?

" Asian male blogger seeks black girl? SIGN ME UP! "

I don’t know man, half of me says “online dating is LAME!” But the other half (my better half) says why not? What’s so bad about online dating? Why do we look down upon it?

As of now, I don’t need to look for dates on Craigslist because quite frankly, I have it good: I go to a diverse college where intelligent and beautiful women frolic around campus holding up signs that say “Hit on me”. To me, finding dates on Craigslist would be a downgrade. But that’s the thing! IS IT?

Whenever I go to the personal ads section, I always see a torrent of women from all walks of life. Girls who are down to earth, and girls who are down to fuck. Girls who want to be just friends, and girls who have no friends, but need some more. But maybe that’s why it felt so wrong: there were too many women.

Going on the Craigslist personal ads section almost feels as If I’m looking at a catalogue of women. It feels cheap, and lazy – like I’m shopping for my online Russian bride. There is no work involved. All you need to do is copy and paste a Haiku poem you stole off Wikipedia, and hit send. And in no time, your bride-to-be will be waiting for you at the Starbucks wearing “an orange sweater”.

Some of you may be saying “Well Ranier, what about those of us who don’t go to a college filled with beautiful dancing women? What if we stay at home most of the time? For us, online dating is the best option.” Now you see, this is a tricky situation: although I could just say “get off your ass and start talking to girls” it’s much more complicated than that. For some, the internet really is the only way to meet people.

What if you lived in a neighborhood infested with White people, and incidentally (and luckily), you only dated Asian men? How the hell can you find your Dragon prince when all you see are “Bills and Steves”? You gotta outsource! In that case, online dating IS a must.

So the question still remains: Is it okay to find dates on Craigslist?

My Answer: Yes!

" HOORAY FOR ONLINE DATING! "

From the American perspective, it’s ideal that we meet someone at school/work, get to know them, and then date them. But times have changed. The dynamics of dating are changing. A social interaction is a social interaction. It doesn’t matter if you meet face to face, or screen to screen- as long as a connection is made.

So why not take advantage of online dating? Who says dating has to be difficult? Meeting someone at the club is no different from meeting them online. We all have different preferences and online dating is merely a preference. It’s as basic as your preference for dark or milk chocolate – it only matters to you.

If you wanted something yellow and sweet, why didn't you just ask? 😉

Times are changing. Online dating is a new level of dating that is just as reputable as regular dating. The only reason why we look down upon it is because we’re scared of what others will think. It’s ironic because the people who criticize online dating are also the people who never go out on dates.

The truth is, we’re scared. We’re scared that our friends and family will stigmatize us as “losers” who can’t find “real dates”. But you know what? I say FUCK EM! In the end, if going on Craigslist means you are that much closer to finding your true love, then DO IT! FUCK EM ALL! VIVA LA ONLINE DATING! AND VIVA LA CRAIGSLIST!

Hooray for the internet.

 

 

****************************************

I’m willing to respond to someone’s ad.

All I need to do now is post my own…