Oh hey White girl, remember me? ;)

Ok, remember the white girl that I wrote about in my “I know your entire life story” blog? Well, it appears that I have no choice but to hit on her.  That’s right: I have to hit on her, take her out to lunch, and show her a good time. I know, its terrible. But I have to do it. Why, you ask? Because I’m doing it for a bigger cause: Asian men.

Underneath the backpacks and "UC" sweaters, all Asian guys look like this 😀

Over the past few weeks I noticed that (lets call her: Cara) has been talking to this Asian guy in class (lets call him: Tony). Day after day, Tony sits next to Cara and they talk and flirt. She would turn around and doodle on his paper while he laughs at her (sometimes) stupid jokes. Unfortunately, Tony isn’t exactly Mr. Suave. For christs sake, he wore a flannel and sweatpants! That’s just nasty! That’s suicide goddamnit!

Additionally, he’s in a  math class and he’s not even getting a good grade. I’m all for defying stereotypes but when it comes to getting good grades and being Asian, it ain’t so bad of a stereotype. But to make matters worse, there’s this other white guy in class who often teases him. Not in an incredibly bad way, but in a passive aggressive way. He says things like “Dude, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were 8 and you were in this math class. I mean, you’re Asian!”

Dear Asian men: you don't have to act like Bobby Lee in order to be funny. You can do better than that!

So as I watch Mr. Asian-Magoo fumble in his sweatpants trying to gain the approval of Cara, I can only sit back and say to myself “Wow! WOW! You’re making us look BAD!” I’ve been trying not to cock block my fellow Asian brother but he’s making me irritated! She seems like the open minded type (aka, into Asian guys) and I need her to realize that Asian guys aren’t all goofy and submissive like that. Some of us Asian men actually know what we’re doing…

Today was test day which meant finishing early = leaving early. This also means that I finish tests faster than Cara, thus I don’t see her after class. After finishing the test, I walked to my car and I sat down trying to think of a way to talk to her. But how? Do I wait in front of her car, lean against the side door and say “Oh, is this your car? How silly of me” Nah, I can’t do that – I’m waay smoother than that!

"Sumimasen (excuse me), you dropped something" 😉

So instead, I drove around the parking lot trying to find her car. When I found it, I parked right next to her. All I had to do was wait and prepare: I turned off the engine, rolled back my seat, opened up my GQ magazine and turned on some white people surfer music (American Pie 2 soundtrack). And just like the mafia movies where two gangsters try to look inconspicuous, when really they’re about to rob a bank, I said to myself “Alright Geno, look natural, they’z comin”

She walked towards the car and I nonchalantly gazed from under my sunglasses and magically appeared.

"Oh! What a coincidence! You parked right next to me!"

Cara: Hey!
Me: Oh, hey!
Cara: What are you up to for the rest of the day?
Me: Hmmm, not sure. I just wanted to relax a bit then maybe grab some lunch.
Cara: Oh where?
Me: I’m kinda in the mood for something fishy – sushi perhaps?
Cara: Well there’s this really good place down…hmmm…what’s the street again?
(Woman, please. First off, I’m Asian, I know my sushi. Second, I’m a foodie, I know my sushi.)
Cara: Oh! It’s this place called Sushi Tomo! It’s SOO GOOD! (actually it’s not, but I’ll let this one go)

At this point, I was ready to jump at her with all of my restaurant knowledge, bickering about how Bay Area sushi sucks and how you can only get decent sushi in San Francisco. But again, that would only make me look bad so I held back my comments and admired her presence.

Me: How about you? What are you up to for today?
Cara: Well, I might go running. I’m thinking about driving down to Santa Cruz and possibly run there.
Me: Ya know? I always see you wearing such sporty clothes. Are you involved in any sports?
Cara: Actually I just run a lot.
Me: You seem very fit. You’re always eating healthy stuff. (points to the cup in her hand) Protein shake?
Cara: Yea! It helps replace all of the protein that I lose when I run

(Fun Fact: Protein/powdered drinks disgust me)

Me: I don’t know man, I don’t think I can do the whole “powdered” thing. I love food too much
Cara: Oh no! I mean I LOVE food! Oh jeez, I eat a lot of food all the time!
Me: haha
Cara: Actually, I just got this magazine and I saw this lady (goes into her car and shows me a picture of a woman)

Me: Hmmm…
Cara: I want her body – but not that muscular. She looks SO good! That’s like my motivation!
Cara: So when are you going out for lunch?
Me: Probably after I finish reading this
Cara: Oh ok. Yea, I don’t think I’m gonna go to Santa Cruz anymore

(Did she just hint at me that she wanted to go to lunch? I knew she did, but I didn’t invite her. I want her to simmer)

Me: Well have fun with that, and I’ll see you around!
Cara: Ok, see you next week!

As she turned on her engine I could feel her looking at me, trying to say goodbye, but I ignored her. I want her to do the chasing, not me.

So that’s my story, and why I must do what I have to do. Is it fucked up? Sure. Am I a cock blocker of Asian men? No – only this one. Although I have no real intentions of hooking up with this girl I do admit: she’s nice, friendly and she’s also pretty. Not really my type, but still a nice girl. But hey! Who knows?

:o)

****************************************

Once you’ve had rice,

you never think twice.

The Koreans are taking over THE WORLD! (yay!)

A few months ago, I stopped by my friend Lance’s house to hang out with some old high school friends. We talked about girls, school, work, and other miscellaneous things. But 15 minutes into the conversation they all started speaking some random alien language that I was unfamiliar with:

SHUT... UP! NO WAY!

Lance: Dude, did you hear about Jaebum?!
Josh: OMG no! What happened?!
Annie: He left 2pm!
Lance: Yea! I just read it on soompi and-
Josh: What’s going to happen to 2pm now?!

Puzzled by who Jaebum was and whether or not 2pm was a soft drink or a t.v show, I interjected and said “What are you guys talking about?” It seemed like the question hit them 5 seconds after I asked;  and then they all turned to me in unison and said “It’s Korean stuff. ” Hmmm…Okay? I left the room feeling a little dumb and went to play some video games.

After a good ten minutes of playing games I started to wonder: who the hell were they were talking about? And why were they talking about Korean stuff? Little did I know that this one incident would later fester into a raging form of Korean Leprosy. A month or so later, EVERYONE was into Korean culture!

WHAT THE FUCK IS A KOREAN?! I mean shit, I like to consider myself a very knowledgeable Asian guy who knows the difference between Chinese, Japanese, and Vietnamese people –  but for some weird reason, I never cared to delve into Korean culture. The extent of my knowledge was limited to Korean BBQ and Kim Jong Ill and his fabulous sunglasses.

What was once a simple interest to my friend Lance  later became what I called an obsession. For christ’s sake, he even grew his hair out in order for it to look more Korean! I was shocked! It was like a zombie invasion had hit the city and now, my best friend was infected! Do I shoot him in the face or let him cultivate this Korean identity? But nay! Like any good friend, I decided to see for myself what this Korean shit was all about. So here it is, I’m goin’ in…

Korean Music/K-Pop


To illustrate how little I knew of Korean culture, I have this Asian cd that I absolutely love. I listen to it all the time for it’s R&B melodies and Pop tunes. However, I had no idea that what I was listening to was Korean music! But apparently, a lot of Korean music is pretty damn good. Sure, I’m not a big fan of all the K-Pop out there but technically speaking, I’m not a fan of Pop music in general.

Personally, I would rather shove a 4lb golden Dildo into my ears than to listen to such horrendous music as Justin Bieber. But in the world of K-Pop, things aren’t so bad. I’m all for Asian identity and I’m a big advocate in improving the image of Asian men in the media, so to see these tall, good looking Asian guys sing well and dance well, was really making me a happy man. And besides, have you seen the quality of the music videos?

K-Pop might not be my favorite cup of tea but it is quite enjoyable – and a lot more enjoyable than the McMusic that Americans are so notorious for producing. However, I gotta admit: Them Koreans can SANG! Them Koreans can also dance! Not to mention, the Korean girls in those videos are prit-tee damn cute ; which brings me to my next point:

Korean girls are fuckin BEAUTIFUL!

Granted that Women of every color can be beautiful (and I don’t mean it in a Barney “inner beauty” kind of way, I really do mean it), I think Korean girls have got it goin on. First off, they are what I like to call “hybrids”. In my opinion, Asian women come in different sizes and shapes. Some of them are tall, and some of them short. Some of them have big tits, and some of them are perfectly normal. But one of the things I look at is where they are placed on the image level.

Japanese girls are famous for being quirky and adorable. Chinese girls are sophisticated and straight forward. However, Korean girls are a good mix of Japanese and Chinese: they’re Sophisticated yet quirky. They know when to act professional yet at the same time, they know how to turn up the Asian-ness to a level 11 **Y^_^Y*

There’s more to Korean food than BBQ


When most people think of Korean food, they refer to things such as BBQ. Like Americans (who eat loads of grilled meat and bacon and cheeseburgers and..) Koreans also eat food off the grill. While most people enjoy their smoked delicious BBQ, I enjoy their wet and warm goodness: soups. A big sector of Korean cuisine lies within soups and stews.

From the king of soups, Gom Tang (Ox bone soup), to the cold noodles in Naeng Myun, the food has a very earthy yet familiar feel. There are lots of complex flavors and the idea of DIY cooking/seasoning seems to resonate throughout the food. But as always, Kimchi is Marlon Brando – it’s the godfather. You eat it with rice, you eat it with soup! You eat it in a house and you eat it with a mouse! Bottom line, Korean food is fuckin great; and if you’re looking for a balance between the savory-ness of Chinese food and the simplistic freshness of Japanese, Korean is a good compromise.

So why are Koreans so important?

For those of you who were up to date with my Facebook posts, I mentioned that I was going a full 4 days as a “Korean”. This meant that I ate Korean food (breakfast/lunch/ dinner), listened to Korean music, and dressed like one as well. I even grew my hair out to accentuate the image. So what exactly did I get out of all of this? What the fuck is Korean culture? And why should you and I give a shit?

In case you haven’t noticed, Koreans are rising up in the economy. Their impact has even lead to a great increase in sales from Korean car company, Hyundai. Their food is gaining incredible momentum and Korean celebrities are amassing TONS AND TONS of devoted fans here in America. Yes. White girls listening to K-Pop. Fuckin bananas right? (haha..fucking Bananas…)

Fuck "universal appeal"

But the most important issue to me is this: Asian Americans have no role models in American media. The last remnants of an Asian idol died awhile ago, when Hollywood decided to cast a potato head (white guy) as the leading character in the Dragonball movie. From that moment on, we had nothing. Bruce lee is dead and Jackie Chan is off making movies for more potato heads.

We simply don’t exist. But here comes Korea, and their giant cultural industry. They bring us food, they bring us music. They bring us beautiful girls, and good looking guys. And in return, millions of Asians flock to their doorsteps to watch and be amazed. For once, we see ourselves in a positive light. For once, we’re not some Asian nerd, or an Asian whore submitting to the will of some American war “hero”. For once, we’re desired. For once, we feel important.


So for all the people out there trying to be Korean, honestly, I approve. If the only way, as an Asian American, to find positive role models is to seek out the celebrities of other cultures, then I approve. If making your hair more Korean makes you more confident, and brings out the best in you, then FUCK EVERYONE ELSE! Go do it! If you’re a 16 year old girl shopping for a girls generation outfit to make yourself feel beautiful, then DO IT, GIRL!

American media gave up on us a long time ago. Although we exist in fragments here and there, we aren’t represented in television and movies as equally as we should. So I welcome Korea, with open arms, to come and dominate our media. And yea, FUCK AMERICAN MEDIA! VIVA LA KOREANS, BITCH!

****************************************

Lee Hyori, please be my Seoul mate ^_^


Today is my last day as a teenager

This morning I woke up with a puzzling question: What should I do today, April 12th, my last day as a teenager? Do I go off and take a bat to a few windshields? Or maybe I should just go to Taco Bell and eat my weight in tacos? I didn’t quite know what to do. But whenever I tried thinking of something teenager-esque I found myself throwing the idea out the window. Then I realized: today doesn’t feel like my last day as a teenager – it feels like my last day as a kid.


So I laid in bed, thinking of where I wanted to go. I want to go some place safe. A place that holds the purest memory of myself as a child. And to my surprise I picked a place about 10 miles away, in a mall I never go to: Orange Julius.

I remember going here as a child with my mom. Usually,my mom would go shopping at ROSS and drag me along. Tired and bored, I would hide in between the clothing racks peeking my little head out and pestering my mom for some food and snacks. And like a nice cold beverage to finish off a hot summer day, my mom would hold my hand, and walk me to Orange Julius.

I would sit there, eating a cheap hot dog and sipping a cup of over sweetened juice (which probably is more syrup than juice). But I was happy. I would smile and offer my mom some but she would always refuse. “Mom! Wan’t some?!” Even though I can’t remember what kind of hot dog I would order, I remember my mom’s face: she would look at me, with such caring eyes. Back then, we were very poor and the mere act of buying an Orange Julius drink and hot dog was a big financial set back. But my mom still bought it for me. And those eyes, that smile… it’s like she was trying to hold back the pain and struggle of our financial situation, but the sight of me so happy and so innocent nullified any of the pain.

So I decided to go back in search of some kind of answer. As I drove in the rain towards the mall, I began envisioning what it would be like when I got there.

I‘m at the mall walking towards Orange Julius, holding the hand of my 5 year old self and I’m talking to him. His straight, eyebrow length hair is silky smooth and devoid of any hair product. He’s wearing a cheap white and green striped shirt. He looks at me and smiles – and I smile back.

Me: What flavor do you want?
Him: Orange
Me: What do you want to eat? Are you hungry?
Him: Umm… I wanttttt…. a chili dog.
Me: One Orange Julius and a Chili Melt please.

I‘m watching him, his innocent face chomping away making a complete mess out of the chili. But I smile and think “Man oh man… you have no idea the kind of man you’re gonna grow up to become.”

My imagination comes to a halt and I actually arrive at my destination: Westgate Mall. But when I get there It’s different. I mean, the feel is still the same but the layout is totally different from what I remember. I remember there being two floors – now there’s only one. Luckily the Orange Julius is still there. I try to order the exact same thing I would order when I was a child: an Orange Julius and a chili hotdog.

As I sit down, eating the same food, at the same place, I can’t help but realize that although the factors are the same, the feeling is different. It doesn’t feel as innocent as I imagined. It’s not as happy and cheerful. It’s normal and there’s even a sense of sadness in it all. So I leave; with nothing but 6 less dollars in my pocket. But why? What the hell happened? I thought it would be perfect! I thought I would rekindle with my childhood again…why?…

In my mind I’m walking in the mall, holding the hand of my 5 year old self, talking to him.

Me: Today is my last day as a teenager and tomorrow it’s our Birthday.
Him: How do you feel?
Me: I’m kinda sad… I feel like today is my last day to be young again. Even though I went back to Orange Julius I still feel the same.
Him: Time is running out. You only have 37 minutes to be young.
Me: What do I do?
Him: Whatever you want to do.
Me: But when the clock strikes 12, you’re gonna leave me. You have to go away…
Him: Why do I have to go away?
Me: Because that’s how life is. When I turn 20, I feel like I’ll be letting go of your hand, and that part of me will be gone forever… (my eyes can’t take it. water begins to swell, but doesn’t drop)
Me: Twenty years have gone by. Twenty. Years.
Him: That’s a long time.
Me: It is. And I’m worried because it feels like life has gone by so fast – almost too fast. First I’m twenty, then I’m 50, and then I’ll be in a bed with tubes running from my wrists.
Him: It’s inevitable. It will eventually happen.
Me: I think it’s time for me to go
Him: Already? It’s so early!
Me: I can’t do it anymore. I really enjoyed our day today. But tell me: why are these tears forming in my eyes?
Him: Because all your life Ranier, you’ve always tried to be older. You’ve been chasing a dream that you thought was only attainable as an adult. You wanted to grow up so fast but you forgot about the present – and now, you’ve got it. Remember all those times in elementary when kids would laugh and play? What did you do?
Me: I’d say “That’s stupid”
Him: But what did you really want to do?
Me: I wanted to laugh. I wanted to join in on the fun.
Him: You see? You did this to yourself. You made time go fast, and now, it’s like the movie Click. If you press fast forward enough times, you’re gonna skip through parts of your life.

Me: Will you be back?
Him: Like I said, this is all in your head. You can do whatever you want. Similarly, you can make me come back whenever you want.
Me: You’re such a smart boy. One day you’re going to grow up and you’re going to be such a good man: to your wife, to your kids, and to your family.
Him: I think it’s time for us to go. Goodbye Ranier….
Me: Goodbye…

The tips of my fingers are sliding away from his, and our hands are slowly separating. As I walk away backwards, I see a young boy, with long hair, and a dirty old shirt standing in the middle of a mall. He’s not smiling, nor is he sad. But he’s by himself. And he waves at me with his small arms. And just then, a single tear runs down the right side of my cheek.

Happy Birthday to Me

****************************************

When we get older, where does our

inner child go? Does it die? Or hide?

I know your entire life story.

Ahhh… the joys of watching someone live their life, and picking away at their brain. What a pleasure! What a blessing! The thrill of watching someone move, to hear them speak, listen and dissect their words and the fluctuating tone of their voice, is quite entertaining. How much do we speak when we speak? And if actions speak louder than words, what story are they trying to say?

There are those who believe they understand the art of reading body language. The art of reading someone’s body movements, and being able to link it to their personality/mood. Arms closed? Emotions are closed. Forehead sweaty? Frustrated. But sometimes there’s more to it. Words spoken, words unspoken. That’s what I watch. That’s what I look for.

There’s a girl in my class: pretty, athletic, and very vocal. She’s not afraid to ask questions (even though 40% of them are dumb questions) and she has this air of confidence – you can see it in her stern and almost (overly) upright posture. But I could sense something in her… something wrong. It’s like I could see a beam of light bursting from a tiny crack in her personality. Naturally, I decided to investigate.

She frequently talks to guys in the class, leaning in slightly, talking in a very very friendly tone. Perhaps she’s just flirty. But if so, then why is she flirting with every guy? She even flirts with the not-so-good-looking guys – I know she can do better. But there’s a bigger reason: attention. And like all attention seekers, they seek it because they didn’t have enough of it before. I took a seat next to her to see if I could find out more.

Normal activity, nothing out of the ordinary. Then I turned my head, and looked at her shoes. And just at the corner of my eye, I could see her, seeing me, seeing her. And just then, she quickly tucked her feet under the table. Normal people don’t do that. Suspicious people do. People who are hiding something. I glanced over again to see what she was hiding, and there they were: scars – real scars.

Scars that looked like they were made by razor blades – and tons of them, all around her legs, and even her arms. These shiny old wounds stuck out like gold in a pile of mud, clear as the light of day. What does it say? What’s the story? Pain on the outside relates to pain on the inside. Similarly, I find it highly related to her supposed air of confidence. She works out, I can tell. But if this confidence is due to her hard earned/toned body, then the same applies: What is done on the outside is done to fix what is on the inside. Gotcha.

Now all I need to do is solidify my theory and I can go home knowing I solved a case. Step two: remove the attention. On day one, I helped her with a few math problems, put on my friendly hat, and left the class. And on day two, I ignored her completely. I didn’t even look at her. I could tell she was getting frustrated. She was longing for it, but I didn’t give it.

I wanted her to talk to me, and I was going to make her do it. So I slowly packed my things, at the same pace as her, in order to walk out at the same time. And just as I planned, she talked:

Her: Nice shirt
Me: Thanks
Her: What’s your name?
Me: Ranier, you?
Her: Anna

Then she shook my hand with a very very firm grip. Case closed.

****************************************

I see you.

Is PORN ruining our sex lives?

If there’s one thing in common amongst all red blooded males it is this: we all watch porn. All. Of. Us. Like drinking water or getting the piss shivers, watching porn is as natural as it gets. Now, we have porn that can be streamed online for free (like Youtube, but with more dicks), anytime, anywhere. But have we gone in too deep? Is porn a deadly anal bead wrapping around our necks and strangling us into submission? We know all about porn, but what do we know about sex?

Is this turning you on? 😉 ... no? Oh. Sorry.

Most guys don’t know jack shit about sex. But what we do know, we learned from porn. That funky position where your leg is wrapped around the back of your neck and we come in from the side? Yea, we saw it in a porno. I mean sure, stuff like positions and creativity, we thank porn – but we should also blame it. One of the biggest reason? Confidence.

Prior to sites like Tube8 and HornySpanishFlies.com, the only dicks men saw were their own (and a few of them in the locker room.) The idea of a “monster cock” was foreign if not an urban legend. So men back in the days didn’t have to worry so much about their meat stick, and whether or not it was big enough. There was nothing to really compare it to. But it’s 2010, and that’s not the case anymore.

Umm..yeaaaaa...no comment.

Nowadays, you’re either big, or not big. In Pornland, there is no average penis. In the land of porn, an average dick is anywhere between 9 and 44 inches. So you see why confidence is such an issue? How can men feel confident about their pork swords when the competition is formally known as LEXINGTON STEEL ROD?

Penis size is just one inch of the story, the rest has to do with women. Watch a porno. Go ahead, do it. What do you notice? “Oh baby! OH BABY! IM CUMMING!” Little did you know that the scene I was just describing was a blow job scene. As a matter of fact, it was a blow job scene with three midgets and a dancing cat. What’s wrong with this picture? WOMEN CAN’T HAVE AN ORGASM BY GIVING A BLOWJOB! (the midgets and cats are totally normal).

"OH GOD! OH MY GOD! FILE THOSE TPS REPORTS! FILE EM!"

Once again, porn is to blame. When Timmy gets older and has his first sexual encounter, because of porn, he will get his first blowjob and after exploding he will zip up his pants and say “Did you cum?” According to the various videos online, girls can and WILL CUM if you do any of the following:

1. Ejaculate on their face
2. Have two guys penetrate her in the asshole (without lube).
3. Randomly lick a spot on her vagina for two seconds

Which sorry to say, none of these work… not that I know about the second one ^_^  So ladies, if you wonder why the hell your man expects you to cum within one minute of oral sex, you’ll understand why. Foreplay doesn’t last five minutes in a porn video. Sure, the porn star will give the actor one HELL of a blowjob, but he won’t return the favor. No fingers, no nothing. So when most guys see it, they internalize it and think “Well shit… if Dongzilla doesn’t do foreplay, why should I?! All I need to do is thrust REALLY REALLY FAST!”

"You'll be cumming in NO TIME!"

Although I could write 13 more inches of reasons as to how porn affects sex, there really is only one more important thing to say: porn is for men, not for women. I mean sure, you ladies can watch it if you want. What I’m saying is that in porn, the pleasures of the woman are nonexistent. Your pleasure is a result of HIS pleasure. If he cums, YOU cum. And kissing? And foreplay? And holding hands and sweating? It doesn’t exist.

Perhaps us men need to step away from the computer, and away from sites like BigBlackCock4u. If you aren’t brave enough to go cold turkey, at least do this: next time you watch a smut video, watch the whole thing. That’s right. You watch the beginning, while she still has her clothes on, and during the foreplay scene. Don’t skip it. But maybe what we really need to do is to ask ourselves: what do women REALLY want? And the answer? Attention.

Not that much

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Fact: Guys only want to try anal sex

because they saw it in a video.