Ok, remember the white girl that I wrote about in my “I know your entire life story” blog? Well, it appears that I have no choice but to hit on her. That’s right: I have to hit on her, take her out to lunch, and show her a good time. I know, its terrible. But I have to do it. Why, you ask? Because I’m doing it for a bigger cause: Asian men.
Over the past few weeks I noticed that (lets call her: Cara) has been talking to this Asian guy in class (lets call him: Tony). Day after day, Tony sits next to Cara and they talk and flirt. She would turn around and doodle on his paper while he laughs at her (sometimes) stupid jokes. Unfortunately, Tony isn’t exactly Mr. Suave. For christs sake, he wore a flannel and sweatpants! That’s just nasty! That’s suicide goddamnit!
Additionally, he’s in a math class and he’s not even getting a good grade. I’m all for defying stereotypes but when it comes to getting good grades and being Asian, it ain’t so bad of a stereotype. But to make matters worse, there’s this other white guy in class who often teases him. Not in an incredibly bad way, but in a passive aggressive way. He says things like “Dude, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were 8 and you were in this math class. I mean, you’re Asian!”
So as I watch Mr. Asian-Magoo fumble in his sweatpants trying to gain the approval of Cara, I can only sit back and say to myself “Wow! WOW! You’re making us look BAD!” I’ve been trying not to cock block my fellow Asian brother but he’s making me irritated! She seems like the open minded type (aka, into Asian guys) and I need her to realize that Asian guys aren’t all goofy and submissive like that. Some of us Asian men actually know what we’re doing…
Today was test day which meant finishing early = leaving early. This also means that I finish tests faster than Cara, thus I don’t see her after class. After finishing the test, I walked to my car and I sat down trying to think of a way to talk to her. But how? Do I wait in front of her car, lean against the side door and say “Oh, is this your car? How silly of me” Nah, I can’t do that – I’m waay smoother than that!
So instead, I drove around the parking lot trying to find her car. When I found it, I parked right next to her. All I had to do was wait and prepare: I turned off the engine, rolled back my seat, opened up my GQ magazine and turned on some white people surfer music (American Pie 2 soundtrack). And just like the mafia movies where two gangsters try to look inconspicuous, when really they’re about to rob a bank, I said to myself “Alright Geno, look natural, they’z comin”
She walked towards the car and I nonchalantly gazed from under my sunglasses and magically appeared.
Me: Oh, hey!
Cara: What are you up to for the rest of the day?
Me: Hmmm, not sure. I just wanted to relax a bit then maybe grab some lunch.
Cara: Oh where?
Me: I’m kinda in the mood for something fishy – sushi perhaps?
Cara: Well there’s this really good place down…hmmm…what’s the street again?
(Woman, please. First off, I’m Asian, I know my sushi. Second, I’m a foodie, I know my sushi.)
Cara: Oh! It’s this place called Sushi Tomo! It’s SOO GOOD! (actually it’s not, but I’ll let this one go)
At this point, I was ready to jump at her with all of my restaurant knowledge, bickering about how Bay Area sushi sucks and how you can only get decent sushi in San Francisco. But again, that would only make me look bad so I held back my comments and admired her presence.
Me: How about you? What are you up to for today?
Cara: Well, I might go running. I’m thinking about driving down to Santa Cruz and possibly run there.
Me: Ya know? I always see you wearing such sporty clothes. Are you involved in any sports?
Cara: Actually I just run a lot.
Me: You seem very fit. You’re always eating healthy stuff. (points to the cup in her hand) Protein shake?
Cara: Yea! It helps replace all of the protein that I lose when I run
(Fun Fact: Protein/powdered drinks disgust me)
Me: I don’t know man, I don’t think I can do the whole “powdered” thing. I love food too much
Cara: Oh no! I mean I LOVE food! Oh jeez, I eat a lot of food all the time!
Cara: Actually, I just got this magazine and I saw this lady (goes into her car and shows me a picture of a woman)
Cara: I want her body – but not that muscular. She looks SO good! That’s like my motivation!
Cara: So when are you going out for lunch?
Me: Probably after I finish reading this
Cara: Oh ok. Yea, I don’t think I’m gonna go to Santa Cruz anymore
(Did she just hint at me that she wanted to go to lunch? I knew she did, but I didn’t invite her. I want her to simmer)
Me: Well have fun with that, and I’ll see you around!
Cara: Ok, see you next week!
As she turned on her engine I could feel her looking at me, trying to say goodbye, but I ignored her. I want her to do the chasing, not me.
So that’s my story, and why I must do what I have to do. Is it fucked up? Sure. Am I a cock blocker of Asian men? No – only this one. Although I have no real intentions of hooking up with this girl I do admit: she’s nice, friendly and she’s also pretty. Not really my type, but still a nice girl. But hey! Who knows?