Beans and White Rice: How I met “The Latina”

One of my number one rules when it comes to dating is to never flirt/hit-on/pursue any women during the first week of school. There’s always a sense of urgency in the air which leaves people heavily guarded andย  it could also leave aย  woman thinking “ummm…seriously? It’s the first week of school and this guy is already trying to get laid? GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT YOU PIG!”

So why am I writing this blogย  three days into the school year? Simple: She made the first move. Here’s how it all started:

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Tuesday

It was a bright and sunny day and as usual, I was walking around in my freshly dry cleaned pants, strutting my stuff for all of the school to see. “YEA! That’s right you Ed Hardy assholes! You’re looking at the real McCoy! Yea, that’s right douchebag! These shoes ARE polished!” I totally felt like a dog walking around the park trying to piss on everything in order to mark my territory.

"Oh, is this your ball? Here, let me *flex* give it back"

I tried to refrain from talking to any girls but to be honest, I was bawling out of control. There were SO MANY WOMEN! Jesus Christ! It’s almost as if Noah was creating a NEW arc filled with all types of women! There were beautiful Black women, pretty Asian women, gorgeous Persian women, and then there was this one Latin woman.

I perched my head towards her and inquired:

Me: Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?
Her: No, go ahead.

Aha! Already she put me in a difficult position. With headphones lodged into hear ears and sunglasses covering her eyes, it was nearly impossible for me to get her attention without resorting to such techniques as spontaneous dancing and singing. What the hell do I do? Do I reach into my bag of old tricks and bust out with my “oops, I dropped my pencil in front of your foot; luckily you’re a decent girl and you probably will reach down and pick it up for me, allowing me to say hello”.

But I didn’t. I thought for a minute and decided to take out my sketchpad in order to prevent myself from lookin all creepy, just sitting there. I pondered for a good moment when suddenly…

Her: Thinking about what to draw?

Wow..WOW! HOLD UP! HOLD THE FUCK UP! Are you FORREALS?! GOD? IS THAT YOU?! TARGET LOCKED! TARGET LOCKED! SECTOR 413! We have a Latina making the firstย  move and the coast is clear! GO FOR IT! YOU CAN DO IT!

Me: haha yea. I’m just looking around to see if I can come up with something. Are you a drawer as well?
Her: Yea
Me: What do you draw? Animals? People? Aliens?
Her: haha, people

From there, we spawned a few more art related topics as we then merged our way into college talk, and then some. Her name was Sandy and unlike me, a three year veteran at De Anza college, this was her first year. But hey! We’re in college! Does age really matter at this point?

Sandy: So I’m taking a Math class, History, Salsa…
Me: Salsa?! Really?!
Sandy: Haha yes, I’m taking Salsa
Me: I’ve been trying to add that class for the longest time but I haven’t been able to get in. How do you like it?
Sandy: I like it a lot. The teacher is really good. You should join!
Me: Ahhh…….
Sandy: Our class needs more guys
Me: Hmmm…really?

After a few walks around campus, I was quite impressed. She sings and plays violin in a Mariachi band, she dances Folklorico, she’s proficient in Salsa, and she’s an art major! I KNOW RIGHT?! That’s a recipe for AWESOMENESS! If her credentials were not good enough, let me tell you this: she is absolutely stunning.

Me: Alright, well my class is this way
Sandy: And mine is over here
Me: Well i’ll definitely come by and check out your Salsa class. Maybe we should exchange contact info?
Sandy: Ummm….
*THUMP-THUMP…THUMP-THUMP*
Sandy: Sure!

Wednesday

To be honest, I came to school not even remembering what happened the previous day. I was so busy thinking and walking that I didn’t even realize that Sandy was walking in my direction

Sandy: Hey!
Me: wha..WOW! Hey! haha
Sandy: haha, you didn’t recognize me?
Me: No no, I was just so concentrated and I wasn’t really paying attention to anything. Sorry! haha
Sandy: Oh yea, Ranier, this is my friend Irene. Irene, Ranier

Hello there boys and girls. This is Dr. Falconius Maxiumus and I am here to give you a little tip in these tricky situations. When confronted with a girls friend, ALWAYS pay close attention to the friend. As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, a woman’s friend has the power to make or break your connection with the girl you’re interested in. If you get on her bad side she could simply say “Ya know what? That Ranier guy….ehh…I get a bad vibe from him. I think he has crabs.” IT’S OVER SON! GAME OVER BRO! So please, pay attention to their friend, and be sure to get on their good side because who knows?! Maybe they will say something like “Ya know? That Ranier guy….he’s pretty fuckin awesome. I’d hit it!”

As I juggled conversations between Sandy (the Mexican who is also 1/16th French) and Irene (an Iraqi woman who moved to the California 2 months ago) I was up to my knees in work. Both girls have different conversation styles which meant that instead of talking about one subject that all three of us could talk about, I had to come up with two separate topics for each one. It was tough – luckily I knew what I was doing.

Then somehow….in the middle of all that madness… I managed to pull something remarkable out of my ass…

"Have you ever tasted an Asian ma--I mean Asian food?"

Me: Have you ever eaten Korean food?
Sandy: Nope
Me: Whaat! It’s awesome! Korean BBQ is a lot like…it’s a lot like Al Pastor. You’ve had that, right?
Sandy: Oh yea, of course!
Me: Well imagine that, but in a spicy marinade, with rice, and all of these amazing side dishes.
Sandy: Oh my god I’m getting hungry now! Look what you did! Now my mouth is all watering!
Me: haha! Well hey! We both have a 2 hour break at 1:30, wanna go eat?
Sandy: Sure!

This isn’t happening. This is NOT fucking happening. TELL me this isn’t real. TWO DAYS?! TWO FUCKING DAYS?! You’re joking. Okay Ashton, get over here! Ashton? Oh jeebus! This IS legit! Okay. Calm down. Now you need to think about where to take her. Also, you need to invite Irene, that way Sandy doesn’t feel too out of place, and Irene doesn’t feel left out. Come on Ranier! GET IT TOGETHER! Ready? Latinas on three. One! Two! Three! LATINAS!

After a nice lunch, Sandy and I went to Salsa class where the real test would begin. I’ll be totally honest with you: I was a bit nervous. I mean I’ve been going to this free Salsa class in downtown San Jose but now I actually had to put my skills to the test in front of Sandy – who can actually dance Salsa! But guess what? I actually did pretty damn good ๐Ÿ™‚ I can’t really tell what she was thinking but I think that for a “Chino”, I did quite well. Sandy and I needed to buy a few textbooks so we walked together to the book room. And then…something very very sudden happened…

This random ass thugabee walked up to us, stopped, and said:

Thugabee: Can I be your friend?
Both of us: Umm…
Thugabee: Can I be your friend?
Me: Huh?

At first I thought he was trying to pass out flyers but I guess that wasn’t the case…

Thugabee: Is this yo girlfriend?

Okay…obviously this guy is trying to “holla” at Sandy, but what do I do? Do I say that I’m her boyfriend in order to make him go away? Or should I say no and let nature take it’s course? In a split second I caught myself and thought “If I say yes, I might make him go away, but I also might come off as jealous. Do I really want that stain on my shirt, this early in our friendship?”

Me: Umm…No…
Thugabee: Aight fosho. Can I get cho numba?

As he whipped out his iPhone 4, I stood there shocked. I’ve never experienced this before and I was just…I don’t even know. I was so surprised that I didn’t have any thoughts at the moment. All I could do was look at Sandy’s beautiful light brown eyes as if she were trying to say “What can I do?” She grabbed his phone and started punching in numbers. I. Was. Speechless.

Did this actually fucking work? Did some guy actually approach Sandy and get her number? Just like that? That easily?…fuck. But in a moment of ultimate satisfaction, Sandy impressed me again.

Thugabee: Aight fosho. What’s yo name?
Sandy: Umm..Elizabeth.
Thugabee: Aight then, later. Oh yea, Sorry bro!
Me: Hahaha…yea…
Me: Did you really give him your number?
Sandy: Nope. I just bullshitted it.
Me: Wow… I can’t believe he just did that
Sandy: Yea, well that’s my life…
Me: Does that happen a lot?
Sandy: All the time…
Me: I mean I understand that some women like that because it shows confidence but I don’t know…that was just–
Sandy: –Rude. It was very rude.

It’s a funny thing what just happened. For years, I’ve always thought that hot girls had it easy. I always had this idea that if a hot girl wanted a guy, all she needed to do was to smile at the corner of some random street, and men would come flocking – and believe me, Sandy could do it. Despite Sandy’s richness in culture, knowledge, and open-mindedness, she’s a girl who could get any man she wants. Believe me, I know. When I was walking around campus with her, all I could see were eyes ogling her up and down like some piece of meat. In a way I was a bit flattered, since it was me who she was walking with, but at the same time, I was incredibly disgusted.

Is this what these women go through every day? Do they really deal with such pitiful men? It’s saddening, really. I thought that guys were over that shit. I thought that college guys would be over that shit – but I guess I was wrong…. After we bought our books we stood in front of the bookstore, waiting to see who would throw the first punch (aka, who would be the first to say goodbye.)

Uhhhhhh...........

Me: Well…. I don’t want to keep you waiting. I’m sure you have lots of things to do today.
Sandy: Yea…
Me: I’m parked over here
Sandy: No? Remember? You parked over there!
Me: huh? OH CRAP! You’re right! Jeez! haha!
Sandy: haha ๐Ÿ™‚
Me: ๐Ÿ™‚
Me: I get out tomorrow at 3:45. You?
Sandy: I get out at 3:20, but I also have Mariachi afterward
Me: Oh okay, no problem. I guess I’ll just—
Sandy: We can–
Me: uhh…
Sandy: haha
Me: Oh well we’ll figure it out! ๐Ÿ™‚
Sandy: Yea, we’ll figure it out
Me: Alright, bye Sandy
Sandy: Bye Ranier ๐Ÿ™‚

For the longest time I’ve felt as if all of my talents in life were simple and not very useful. In my freshman year of college I took the liberty to understand Mexican cuisine, as well as Mexican culture. A year after that I decided to join a Salsa class. After that, I spent a month hanging out with these three girls (all 3 had boyfriends) and I just took them out to dinner and learned how to talk to multiple women at the same time. And throughout my 5 years of singledom I’ve learned to never be the jealous type. It was unbelievable! It was almost like Sandy put me through this giant Final exam of life – and I passed.

Life is unfolding in such a peculiar way. I’ve come to realize that my love life is a lot like Football: all of the “action” tends to take place during the fall. But of course, I must not get too ahead of myself. This girl is still a person. I can’t just map out a plan and “figure her out”. I need more time. I need more time to think. Then again…it’s only day two.

See you in a few weeks ๐Ÿ˜‰

Being Single is Boring…I Want to LOVE Again!

From the moment I broke up with my high school girlfriend back in 2005, I’ve managed to stay completely and totally single. Now I know that I talk about my single-ness a lot in my blogs and to be honest, I think I’m starting to sound like a girl. However, I’d rather expose myself as a single loser than try to be some stud muffin that I’m not. But I digress…

This is me in my natural state

After that petty breakup I started to roll in a cycle of bad almost-relationships (friendships that almost turned into relationships). These highly unfortunate relationships eventually got me thinking that you know what? Maybe this is a sign that I’m just not ready. Within those 5 years I figured that the best way to use my time wisely is to grow up as a person. Perhaps if I polish up on all of my flaws and perfect the positives that I possess, then maybe I’ll be a better me and ultimately, more suitable for the dating world.

But a weird thing started happening. As months went by, I almost began an addiction to this idea of polishing and perfecting myself. Do I date now? NO! You need to work on your cardio! Should I talk to that girl? SIT DOWN! Your hairstyle isn’t as good as it can be! Eventually I just became obsessed as if I were a video game character in an RPG. I started to see myself as someone that had stats and numbers that needed to be leveled up in order to meet and greet better women.

I think I have an even bigger crush on Julia Stegner now that she's into Asian dudes ๐Ÿ˜€

This sense of “leveling up” really picked up during my senior year of High school all the way up till now. It is only until recently that I truly sat down and asked myself “what am I doing?” Am I honestly trying to become a better person or am I merely embellishing punitive attributes that have no substance in the relationship world. Attributes such as: playing the guitar, being able to cook French food, learning how to salsa dance, etc. I just assumed that if I were a more complete package than girls would be flinging their panties at me in the same way that Spaniards throw roses at accomplished bullfighters.

In a way, my addiction to become a better man was complimented by another addiction: to stay single. I enjoyed prolonging my singledom because I figured “Holy shit bro! Once I finally get a girlfriend you are not gonna BELIEVE your eyes! She’s gonna be a straight up MODEL with a Ph.D from Oxford! She is going to be SOO worth the wait!” My line of thinking was that the longer I waited, the better the girl would be. I guess you can say that my mentality was similar to the aging process of wine: the longer you wait, the better it tastes.

"The taste you can't resist!"

Sitting in my bed I can only wonder why I thought these ridiculous things. This dragon that I’m chasing is no closer than it’s been 5 years ago. I do not regret one second of my life during this “leveling up” phase but I think I’ve made a decision: I think I really want to get back in the dating scene and make my pick. I’m not scared of getting hurt (emotionally, my skin is very very very thick) but I am scared of picking the wrong girl. I’m scared of waking up one day thinking to myself “I should have waited”.

You know what? Fuck it. I think for once I need to let myself screw up. I’ve been tuning up this car for years and have never given it a proper test drive on a real track. I need to see what kind of man I really am. I need to see if I’m truly ready or if this dragon of mine is actually worth the chase. It’s time take off the cover, wipe off the dust, turn on the engine, and see what kind of machine I’m workin with. After all, shouldn’t we cherish life one quarter mile at a time ๐Ÿ˜‰

TORETTO!