From the moment I broke up with my high school girlfriend back in 2005, I’ve managed to stay completely and totally single. Now I know that I talk about my single-ness a lot in my blogs and to be honest, I think I’m starting to sound like a girl. However, I’d rather expose myself as a single loser than try to be some stud muffin that I’m not. But I digress…
After that petty breakup I started to roll in a cycle of bad almost-relationships (friendships that almost turned into relationships). These highly unfortunate relationships eventually got me thinking that you know what? Maybe this is a sign that I’m just not ready. Within those 5 years I figured that the best way to use my time wisely is to grow up as a person. Perhaps if I polish up on all of my flaws and perfect the positives that I possess, then maybe I’ll be a better me and ultimately, more suitable for the dating world.
But a weird thing started happening. As months went by, I almost began an addiction to this idea of polishing and perfecting myself. Do I date now? NO! You need to work on your cardio! Should I talk to that girl? SIT DOWN! Your hairstyle isn’t as good as it can be! Eventually I just became obsessed as if I were a video game character in an RPG. I started to see myself as someone that had stats and numbers that needed to be leveled up in order to meet and greet better women.
This sense of “leveling up” really picked up during my senior year of High school all the way up till now. It is only until recently that I truly sat down and asked myself “what am I doing?” Am I honestly trying to become a better person or am I merely embellishing punitive attributes that have no substance in the relationship world. Attributes such as: playing the guitar, being able to cook French food, learning how to salsa dance, etc. I just assumed that if I were a more complete package than girls would be flinging their panties at me in the same way that Spaniards throw roses at accomplished bullfighters.
In a way, my addiction to become a better man was complimented by another addiction: to stay single. I enjoyed prolonging my singledom because I figured “Holy shit bro! Once I finally get a girlfriend you are not gonna BELIEVE your eyes! She’s gonna be a straight up MODEL with a Ph.D from Oxford! She is going to be SOO worth the wait!” My line of thinking was that the longer I waited, the better the girl would be. I guess you can say that my mentality was similar to the aging process of wine: the longer you wait, the better it tastes.
Sitting in my bed I can only wonder why I thought these ridiculous things. This dragon that I’m chasing is no closer than it’s been 5 years ago. I do not regret one second of my life during this “leveling up” phase but I think I’ve made a decision: I think I really want to get back in the dating scene and make my pick. I’m not scared of getting hurt (emotionally, my skin is very very very thick) but I am scared of picking the wrong girl. I’m scared of waking up one day thinking to myself “I should have waited”.
You know what? Fuck it. I think for once I need to let myself screw up. I’ve been tuning up this car for years and have never given it a proper test drive on a real track. I need to see what kind of man I really am. I need to see if I’m truly ready or if this dragon of mine is actually worth the chase. It’s time take off the cover, wipe off the dust, turn on the engine, and see what kind of machine I’m workin with. After all, shouldn’t we cherish life one quarter mile at a time 😉