Advice for Non-Asian Girls: 4 Tips on How To Impress Your Future Asian In-Laws

So you’re have sex with an Asian guy… COOL BEANS! What next? Oh, well I GUESS the next step is to meet his parents, right? Right!

"Let's go meet our parents! YEAAA!"

If you’re a non-Asian girl meeting your boyfriends Asian parents, you are already at a disadvantage. All the rumors you’ve heard about Asian parents being strict and mean? 100% true. Asian parents can be vicious, judgmental, and even a tad bit racist. But here’s the thing:

Whenever I hear stories about non-Asians meeting their future In-Laws, it always goes something like “Oh man, at first I was so nervous! But once they got to know me, they loved me! We were having a blast and we even played twister!” Yea ummm, about that…

"ha..haha...haha.... yeaaaa, that's not gonna work."

Asian parents don’t give a FUCK if you can play twister with your legs tied together while playing “Like a G6” on the violin. Sadly, Asian parents are very materialistic, and they care about status and wealth. So before you stand in front of the mirror chanting “Just be yourself!” realize that in the world ofย  Asian culture, yourself may not be good enough.

But fear not, my Asian loving goddesses! I have the solutions! Here are some tips for you Non-Asian ladies which will gain you some credibility, trust, and above all, honor, within our family. Buckle up, it’s going to be one herravu good time!

Peter Le Takes Shots every time I post a new blog.

1. Have a Great Job and Make Lots of Money

"MONEY IS GOOD. GOOD IS MONEY. YAY MONEY!"

Money may not buy you romantic love, but it can sure buy you love from Asian parents. You see, Asians are very aware of their status in society. We constantly keep tabs on who’s making money, and who’s buying the latest gadgets. We notice when the neighbor buys a new BMW so when the 2014 model comes out, we can top them by buying it – in black and white. It’s an unfortunate reality but in the Asian household, money is the head of the house. Fuck happiness, they want money, honey!

So one of the best ways to win over Asian parents is to have a good job that pays well. And by good job I mean: Doctor, Lawyer, Nurse, Engineer, or something that an Asian would do.

"You're a Doctor? WELCOME TO THE FAMILY! Oh, btw, what's your name?"

Now of course, not all of us can score an 800% on the calculus-z test like Akbar Jabeer, and land a job working on Area 51 Spaceships. No worries! I suck at Math too! But as long as you can show that you earn a decent living, our parents won’t complain. But be aware: You might be earning a comfortable $50,000 a year but if your boyfriend’s parents earn $120,000, they sorta expect you to keep up with them – if not now, then eventually.

So what can you do if you don’t make that money?

"I durn know how to make more monies :/"

2. Have a Job That Is Reputable

As I said before, Asian parents give a big shit about reputation. The irony is that Asians have really nice houses, fancy cars, nice clothes, yet we eat at the cheapest of restaurants, and we steal a shit load of napkins from McDonalds. But it doesn’t matter. To them, what you see is what’s important. For all I know, my Asian friend with his red Porsche could be wiping his ass with old Taco Bell receipts.

So if you’re not earning 6 figures, the best thing to do is to have a job that has social value. Something that’s prestigious, noble, or professional. Basically, if you’re working in an office, a tech company, the medical field, or you’re simply an engineer of any kind (A Subway Sandwich “Engineer” doesn’t count), you will be viewed as part of the money makin’ family (due to the fact that within your industry, if you get promoted, you could make a lot of money.) So plop that reputable paycheck on the table cuz baby, we’re going to Quiznos for dinner!

"OOOOOOHH LAAAAAAAWWWWDD!"

3. Eat Our Food and ENJOY IT!

"OMG! I LOVE IT WHEN ASIAN THINGS ARE IN MY MOUTH!"

As of now, my older brother is dating a White girl. They’ve been together for about 2+ years and she’s really adjusted to the family. This is primarily due to the fact that at one point, she actually moved into our house. Now, I don’t take much space (all I need is my laptop, T.V, and the fridge, and you can take the rest) so I was pretty cool with her staying. But my mom on the other hand, wasn’t.

One day we were getting ready for dinner and my mom slaved over a pot of Filipino soup. The soup was darn good and you eat it with fish sauce and sometimes shrimp paste. As we slobbered and slurped in a loud frenzy, my brothers girlfriend placed her bowl on the table, and started to eat. Only she wasn’t eating my mom’s food, but rather, a bowl of Macaroni and Cheese.

Really now? Macaroni? REALLY?!

What happened next seemed to have appeared in slow motion, because damn son, it was intense! My mom looked at her and asked

Mom: You’re not going to eat the soup?
My Brother’s Girlfriend: Oh no, it’s okay!
Mom: ..hmmm

NO! IT IS NOT OKAY! OH LORD! WHY DID YOU DO THAT! YOU DUN WOKEN UP THE SLEEPING DRAGON! My mom then threw the boiling soup onto her face, causing her skin to bleed! LOL! Okay fine, that last part didn’t happen, but I could see it in her eyes that she was disappointed. Whether my brother’s girlfriend liked the soup or not, the fact that she didn’t try it was what killed her reputation.

You see, as immigrants from Asia, we try to be Americanized but at the same time, we hold a tight grip on the few traditions and customs we have. Food is one of the biggest ones. And if you’re not willing to try our soup, and our smelly fish sauce, then (in the eyes of our parents) you’re basically telling us “When your son and I have kids, I’m not going to feed them your Asian crap!”

"Ummm....yahhhh, so, I'm not gonna feed my babies any of this Chicken Chow Mein Shet. Mmmkay?"

So please, come in with an open mind, and be down! My mom LOVES it when we have non-Asians guests that try out our weird and wacky food. To her, it’s entertaining and it brings her happiness to see our culture being accepted by others. But above all, EAT THE DAMN SOUP!

"EAT THE FOOOOD!"

4. Take The Family Out For Dinner

"Free food? OH HOW WONDERFUL! SO DERICIOUS!"

Hugging my mom? Kissing my baby cousin? Do you honestly think that’s enough to win over my family?

One of the secrets about Asian culture is that if you want to show that you care, you feed someone. To us, food is the currency of love. The idea of nurturing someone’s hunger and ultimately, their health, is seen as one of the most highly regarded acts in all Asian culture. Whether it’s a basket of pork buns, a bag of fresh kiwis, or an order of peking duck, food is the ultimate game killer.

You could be taking a shit on our front porch but as long as you bring home some good (Asian) food, we don’t give a damn! Now of course, the type of food you give should be dependent on the family in question. Don’t just roll into a Chinese family and expect your Panda Express orange chicken to win any hearts. You have to be smart. Talk to your boyfriend and ask him what you should buy. Or, better yet, take the entire family out for dinner!

"Grandpa, what do you think of my new Mexican girlfriend?!" "Yea she's cool--OOOH! SHRIMP DUMPLINGS!"

Asian people love free stuff. Free samples, free coupons, and free money. But what they also love is when people take them out for a free meal. OOOOOOOH! I can already feel my inner Chinaman jumping for joy! ^_^ But once again, depending on how traditional you boyfriend’s family is, you need to pick an appropriate spot that will appeal to their taste buds. Some families would be happy with a trip to Outback Steakhouse, while others prefer a trip elsewhere. (pssst! Dim Sum is always a good bet!)

Once you fill everyone’s yellow belly, you will see the tension disappear. But wait! You must not forget to pay for dinner. I know this sounds like a no brainer, but in Asian culture, paying for dinner is a sign of honor and respect. It also shows that you have money and that you’re a good host. So if you can, before everyone finishes, secretly take care of the check, that way none of the Asian parents get a hold of it first. After a few of these dinners and a couple baskets of fresh pork buns, you’re in the clear!

Congrats babe! No one hates you!

RANIER, ARE YOU SERIOUS?


Look: The advice in this blog is relative, but honestly, I find it to be very relevant and very true. It doesn’t need to be said that the most important thing of all is to be honest, respectful, and polite. But just understand that Asian culture is very very different from others. You can’t just employ the same tactics that your Latin family enjoys, and apply it to us. If you do, you just might have to hang yourself.

So don’t forget: get a reputable job, make good money, take us out to eat, and EAT THE GODDAMN SOUP!


Interracial Dating Rant #2: Cocky White Girls? Black Women = Angels?

Ahhh… I can say it all day long:ย  AMBW. Don’t you just LOVE how it rolls off your tongue like a piece of smooth and silky chocolate?

In an attempt to blog more, I’ve decided to write more short blogs that focus on my current thoughts towards Interracial Relationships, and the Race to AMBW World Domination. Okay, maybe not world domination… maybe just the U.S ๐Ÿ˜‰

THE BAD

A few months ago I was having a conversation with a friend of mine. She, a white girl, was frenetically obsessed with Asian guys and would boast about her encounters with HAWT Asians. Due to her preference – or should I say, allergy towards anything non-Asian – for Asian guys, I was quite impressed and a tad bit flattered. But then, she started to go off in a direction that left me with a bitter taste.

White Girl: My ex-boyfriend was super hot.
Me: Nice! Chinese?
White Girl: Nope. Korean.
Me: Cooooooooooolllll Beans
White Girl: The other day, some Asian guy tried hitting on me but I wasn’t interested.
Me: Why is that?
White Girl: He wasn’t that hot. I only go for hot Asians.

Now, I’m no Sam Milby but all I gotta say is “WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!” First off, she ain’t even cute. If a gorilla punched a sack of potatoes and just so happened to make a smiley face, you would probably be presented with an accurate portrait of this White Chick’s face. Haven’t you heard of that old saying?ย  “If you’re an ugly white chick with a fetish for Asian guys, you can’t expect to pick the ripest of our fruit”?

"HEY, BETCH! Did I SAY I was interested!?"

But what’s even more troubling is that since then, I’ve come to notice more and more white girls acting this way. Acting as if, because they are white, they get “first pick.” They act like they’re the Queen of some far away country who can waltz in and be like “I AM WHITE! ASIAN MEN, YOU WANT ME! I SHALL ONLY DATE THE FINEST OF THE FINE!”

News Flash: Just because you’re white doesn’t mean I wanna jump your bones. Now, I know this sounds like George Orwell’s “2 Minutes of Hate” but I assure you, I love white girls. I also love Black girls, and Indian girls, and Latin girls, and girls, and girls, and girls. But I’m just sick and tired of these White girls walking around with a Kanye West sized ego acting like they “run this shit.” Cuz you know what? You know who‘s really running this? Do you really wanna know who the true stallions are, pushing the Asian men towards the spotlight?

Black Women.


The REAL Good.

Oh Black Women, how I adore thee! You are the noodle to my broth. The Kimchi to my Rice! The vinegar to my eggroll! I honestly can not express how thankful I am to the Black Women who have been making Youtube Videos, posting on forums, writing blogs, and supporting the Facebook groups that are dedicated towards Asian men and AMBWs. And unlike the White Girls that I explained above, the Black Women that I’ve met have been sooo goddamn humble, time and time again.

Even the RIDICULOUSLY HOT Black Women are down to earth. They talk with an open mind, and there’s hardly a spec of cockyness in sight. I mean, I have talked to some GORGEOUS black women who have every right to push their hands in my face and say “Eww bitch! I’m too sexy for you!” but yet, they’re willing to converse, befriend, and even flirt with some of the most average, shy, and nerdy Asian guys.

And that my friends not only speaks volumes on behalf of Black Women, but it instills a sense of hope for humans in general. In our society, those who are perceived as “gorgeous” (by the media’s standards) are often believed to be above the status quo. There’s this ideology that if you’re beautiful, you’re better than everyone and have no need to talk to us normal looking folks. Yes, I’m sure there are cocky black women out there who are like this, but based off the ones I’ve met and the ones in support of AMBW, I gotta say… they’re in a completely different stratosphere.

Ahhh…

Okay, time to do some work on my other blog.

A Very “Blasian” Valentines Day (Fiction)

“You’re so hot. You are SOOO fucking HAWT! UGH! I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH YOU! You wanna do it? Right now? Here? In the bathroom? LETS GO!”

After a few words of encouragement, I washed my hands and walked out of the men’s bathroom, patting my damp fingers along the side of my leg. Now here’s the thing: when it comes to wining and dining women, I’m a pro. I know the moves, I have the lines, and my confidence is so high I make Fabio look like McLovin. But no matter how many dates I’ve been in the past, I have to admit… I’ve never been on a blind date. And you know what? I’m nervous as shit.

The original plan was to meet Cyan (my date) at my favorite Korean BBQ restaurant by 7:30 pm. Unfortunately, she told me –ย  via text message *facepalm*- that she doesn’t like BBQ joints because of the tendency to walk out smelling like meat smoke. Fine, no biggie. So that’s how I found myself sitting in a table at Sushi-Ya by myself, for over 30 minutes.

The decor in Sushi-Ya feels like you’re living in a giant bento box. Everything is made out of wood, painted black, trimmed in red. As always, Japanese “art” was suspended from the walls, along with a few samurai swords and samurai masks. Due to the change of plans, I had to push back our date from 7:30pm to 8:30. It is now 9:04pm. My shirt collar feels like it’s getting tighter, and I can feel a pad of moisture forming at my back. A bell rang.

OH.

MY.

GAAAAAAWD!


For a split second I KNEW it was Cyan, but at the same time, I had this weird cynical feeling that it wasn’t. That maybe some random yet totally hot black chick walked in by accident. Cyan looked at me, and I at her. I froze, and then I saw her look around, as if she didn’t even notice me. A look for frustration formed at her brows as she pulled out her cell phone, and started to dial. I immediately walked over and introduced myself

Me: Heyyy! Cyan, right?
Cyan: Ranier?
Me: That’s me!
Cyan: Hi, nice to meet you!
Me: Nice to finally meet you too! I’m just over here if you wanna come sit.
Cyan: Yea, sure sure!

(Just as I was about to sit down, she pulled up her chair and took a seat, which gave me a glimpse of how perfect her rear end was.)

Me: Sooo!
Cyan: Sooo!……..
………
…………..

Me: Did you have trouble finding this place? I know it’s kinda hidden and all bu–
Cyan: No it’s cool, I go to the Market nearby so I’m sorta familiar with this area.
Me: Nijiya Market?
Cyan: Yup, that’s the one.
Me: Oh wow, very nice. Do you cook Japanese food often or something?
Cyan: Sorry, ummm, can we order something? I’m just starving.
Me: …uhhhh…yea, sure! Sorry about that. I’m sure you’re hungry.
Cyan: I’ve been waiting to eat for like, forever!
Me: …ha..


Meh…we were off to an okay start. Not bad, yet not good. She ordered a cup of Sake which I watched her down like orange juice. Despite the Sake breath, she started to loosen up a bit. We talked about school, family, and she finished answering my cooking question. “No, I just go there for the Mochi ice cream.”

Me: So I read that you like Korean music, right?
Cyan: Totally. I’m a big fan of anything Korean. I actually dated a few Korean guys in the past.
Me: Wowow!
Cyan: Yup yup.
Me: Why Korean?
Cyan: After I got into the whole K-Pop scene, my girlfriends and I just started, I don’t know, dating them.
Me: Haha! Just like that?
Cyan: Ummm….no? It’s not like we’re easy or anything–
Me: NO! I didn’t mean it like that.
Cyan: Yea, okay.
Me: What I meant was, you just started listening to K-Pop and bam! You wanted to date Korean guys?
Cyan: Pretty much.
Me: Awww, so no love for the Filipino guys?
Cyan: Not really. They’re kinda short in my opinion.
Me: …okay? I guess.
Cyan: Wait, are you Filipino?
Me: Yes, I’m Filipino.
Cyan: I thought you were Vietnamese?
Me: When did I say that?
Cyan: In your profile. You said you were part Viet in your profile.
Me: Chinese. I’m part Chinese.
Cyan: Well, you look Viet.
Me: …I guess. Whatever.


At that moment I just wanted to jab my chopsticks straight into her pretty little eyes. I felt so bothered that my physical attraction to her started to wear off. Forty five minutes into our date, our vibe was less “Romantic Valentines” and more “hurry the hell up and finish your food so I can pay for dinner and leave!”

Me: Alright, well, it was nice meeting you.
Cyan: You too.
Me: I’ll ummm… shoot you a Facebook message or something.
Cyan: K! Byee!

And just like that, she left. Worst date ever, followed by the most awkward hug ever. To make matters worse, I didn’t even get a chance to really eat! I was so concentrated on leaving that I avoided ordering more food. Tormented by a growling stomach, I crawled into the Nijiya Market to grab a snack to eat.

My body was tired and I slugged around the aisles like a war hero with one too many bullet holes in his chest. Pocky sticks here, Choco Gummies there, and a bag of soda candy. After filling my shopping cart 1/5th of the way with snacks, I decided to load up on drinks. Hmmm…what to get….

“Can I help you find anything?”

Me: Yea ummmm, where is your–

And at that moment…

I looked up, and saw where that heavenly voice was coming from.

OH

MY

GAAAAWWD!


Me: Yea, I’m just looking for the Milk Teas.
Cute Black Girl: Oh, they’re riiiiiiiightttttttttttttttt…………here!
Me: Oh! Thank you!
Cute Black Girl: Is that the right one? We also have a few other brands in the backroom if you want.
Me: No no, this is fine. Thank you very much (looks at her name tag) Fuchsia.
Fuchsia: You’re welcome!

I could have left. Maybe I should have, in order to let her get back to her work – but I didn’t. No one was in the store, and I figured I’d keep Fuchsia company for a few more minutes.

Me: …Slow night?
Fuchsia: Yea, everyone is out for Valentines day. I guess it sucks but I enjoy the peace and quiet. My manager lets me look at the magazines just as long as no one is in the store.
Me: Hey! Whatever kills time, right? I’m Ranier by the way
*Shakes hand*
Fuchsia: Rainier… as in Mt. Rainier?
Me: Haha yea, although mine is spelled differently. It’s actually a–
Fuchsia: A Filipino name, right?
Me: WOW… how the HELL did you know?
Fuchsia: I’m trying to learn Tagalog and in my textbook, one of the characters is named “Ranier.”
Me: Damnit! I thought I the only Ranier in the world! haha
Fuchsia: It’s still a beautiful name though ๐Ÿ™‚
Me: Oh please! Fuchsia? Now THAT is a pretty name! ๐Ÿ™‚
Fuchsia: Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ Well, I better get back to work. Someone just came in.
Me: No no, go for it. I’ll see you around. Maybe I’ll come by again and try out those other Milk Tea brands.
Fuchsia: I work the night shift.
Me: I’ll keep that in mind.
Fuchsia: ๐Ÿ™‚
Me: ๐Ÿ™‚

And just like that… Valentines day was romantic again.

….. I wish this story was true -_-