So you’re have sex with an Asian guy… COOL BEANS! What next? Oh, well I GUESS the next step is to meet his parents, right? Right!
If you’re a non-Asian girl meeting your boyfriends Asian parents, you are already at a disadvantage. All the rumors you’ve heard about Asian parents being strict and mean? 100% true. Asian parents can be vicious, judgmental, and even a tad bit racist. But here’s the thing:
Whenever I hear stories about non-Asians meeting their future In-Laws, it always goes something like “Oh man, at first I was so nervous! But once they got to know me, they loved me! We were having a blast and we even played twister!” Yea ummm, about that…
Asian parents don’t give a FUCK if you can play twister with your legs tied together while playing “Like a G6” on the violin. Sadly, Asian parents are very materialistic, and they care about status and wealth. So before you stand in front of the mirror chanting “Just be yourself!” realize that in the world of Asian culture, yourself may not be good enough.
But fear not, my Asian loving goddesses! I have the solutions! Here are some tips for you Non-Asian ladies which will gain you some credibility, trust, and above all, honor, within our family. Buckle up, it’s going to be one herravu good time!
1. Have a Great Job and Make Lots of Money
Money may not buy you romantic love, but it can sure buy you love from Asian parents. You see, Asians are very aware of their status in society. We constantly keep tabs on who’s making money, and who’s buying the latest gadgets. We notice when the neighbor buys a new BMW so when the 2014 model comes out, we can top them by buying it – in black and white. It’s an unfortunate reality but in the Asian household, money is the head of the house. Fuck happiness, they want money, honey!
So one of the best ways to win over Asian parents is to have a good job that pays well. And by good job I mean: Doctor, Lawyer, Nurse, Engineer, or something that an Asian would do.
Now of course, not all of us can score an 800% on the calculus-z test like Akbar Jabeer, and land a job working on Area 51 Spaceships. No worries! I suck at Math too! But as long as you can show that you earn a decent living, our parents won’t complain. But be aware: You might be earning a comfortable $50,000 a year but if your boyfriend’s parents earn $120,000, they sorta expect you to keep up with them – if not now, then eventually.
So what can you do if you don’t make that money?
2. Have a Job That Is Reputable
As I said before, Asian parents give a big shit about reputation. The irony is that Asians have really nice houses, fancy cars, nice clothes, yet we eat at the cheapest of restaurants, and we steal a shit load of napkins from McDonalds. But it doesn’t matter. To them, what you see is what’s important. For all I know, my Asian friend with his red Porsche could be wiping his ass with old Taco Bell receipts.
So if you’re not earning 6 figures, the best thing to do is to have a job that has social value. Something that’s prestigious, noble, or professional. Basically, if you’re working in an office, a tech company, the medical field, or you’re simply an engineer of any kind (A Subway Sandwich “Engineer” doesn’t count), you will be viewed as part of the money makin’ family (due to the fact that within your industry, if you get promoted, you could make a lot of money.) So plop that reputable paycheck on the table cuz baby, we’re going to Quiznos for dinner!
3. Eat Our Food and ENJOY IT!
As of now, my older brother is dating a White girl. They’ve been together for about 2+ years and she’s really adjusted to the family. This is primarily due to the fact that at one point, she actually moved into our house. Now, I don’t take much space (all I need is my laptop, T.V, and the fridge, and you can take the rest) so I was pretty cool with her staying. But my mom on the other hand, wasn’t.
One day we were getting ready for dinner and my mom slaved over a pot of Filipino soup. The soup was darn good and you eat it with fish sauce and sometimes shrimp paste. As we slobbered and slurped in a loud frenzy, my brothers girlfriend placed her bowl on the table, and started to eat. Only she wasn’t eating my mom’s food, but rather, a bowl of Macaroni and Cheese.
What happened next seemed to have appeared in slow motion, because damn son, it was intense! My mom looked at her and asked
Mom: You’re not going to eat the soup?
My Brother’s Girlfriend: Oh no, it’s okay!
NO! IT IS NOT OKAY! OH LORD! WHY DID YOU DO THAT! YOU DUN WOKEN UP THE SLEEPING DRAGON! My mom then threw the boiling soup onto her face, causing her skin to bleed! LOL! Okay fine, that last part didn’t happen, but I could see it in her eyes that she was disappointed. Whether my brother’s girlfriend liked the soup or not, the fact that she didn’t try it was what killed her reputation.
You see, as immigrants from Asia, we try to be Americanized but at the same time, we hold a tight grip on the few traditions and customs we have. Food is one of the biggest ones. And if you’re not willing to try our soup, and our smelly fish sauce, then (in the eyes of our parents) you’re basically telling us “When your son and I have kids, I’m not going to feed them your Asian crap!”
So please, come in with an open mind, and be down! My mom LOVES it when we have non-Asians guests that try out our weird and wacky food. To her, it’s entertaining and it brings her happiness to see our culture being accepted by others. But above all, EAT THE DAMN SOUP!
4. Take The Family Out For Dinner
Hugging my mom? Kissing my baby cousin? Do you honestly think that’s enough to win over my family?
One of the secrets about Asian culture is that if you want to show that you care, you feed someone. To us, food is the currency of love. The idea of nurturing someone’s hunger and ultimately, their health, is seen as one of the most highly regarded acts in all Asian culture. Whether it’s a basket of pork buns, a bag of fresh kiwis, or an order of peking duck, food is the ultimate game killer.
You could be taking a shit on our front porch but as long as you bring home some good (Asian) food, we don’t give a damn! Now of course, the type of food you give should be dependent on the family in question. Don’t just roll into a Chinese family and expect your Panda Express orange chicken to win any hearts. You have to be smart. Talk to your boyfriend and ask him what you should buy. Or, better yet, take the entire family out for dinner!
Asian people love free stuff. Free samples, free coupons, and free money. But what they also love is when people take them out for a free meal. OOOOOOOH! I can already feel my inner Chinaman jumping for joy! ^_^ But once again, depending on how traditional you boyfriend’s family is, you need to pick an appropriate spot that will appeal to their taste buds. Some families would be happy with a trip to Outback Steakhouse, while others prefer a trip elsewhere. (pssst! Dim Sum is always a good bet!)
Once you fill everyone’s yellow belly, you will see the tension disappear. But wait! You must not forget to pay for dinner. I know this sounds like a no brainer, but in Asian culture, paying for dinner is a sign of honor and respect. It also shows that you have money and that you’re a good host. So if you can, before everyone finishes, secretly take care of the check, that way none of the Asian parents get a hold of it first. After a few of these dinners and a couple baskets of fresh pork buns, you’re in the clear!
RANIER, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Look: The advice in this blog is relative, but honestly, I find it to be very relevant and very true. It doesn’t need to be said that the most important thing of all is to be honest, respectful, and polite. But just understand that Asian culture is very very different from others. You can’t just employ the same tactics that your Latin family enjoys, and apply it to us. If you do, you just might have to hang yourself.
So don’t forget: get a reputable job, make good money, take us out to eat, and EAT THE GODDAMN SOUP!