The Love Life of an Asian Guy – Ep. 3: Cars, Crepes and Coats

It’s weird: I’ve ALWAYS wanted to post vlogs on youtube but for the longest time, I always felt insecure in front of the camera. So to have this series actually progress and continue is quite a shock. I think what made me get over this insecurity was the reality that these vlogs are about US as a couple, and not me. From then on, it was smooth sailin’.

Anywho, this is just a little vlog on what we’ve been up to. Enjoy!

Stupid Stereotypes – Do Asian Guys Have Small Penises?

HOLY.
CRAP.

Right now, every single Asian guy that is reading this has his ass at the edge of the seat, butt cheeks clenched so tight he could snap a pinecone in half – he’s scared shitless over what I may, or may not say in this post. I think Timothy DeLaGhetto put it best when he said that “for Asian dudes, the small penis joke is our Kryptonite… It’s almost like the Asian penis joke is the ‘N-word’ equivalent for Asian dudes.”

But why do we get so offended? Is it really true? Are the myths of the Asian micro-penis as valid as society likes us to believe? Why don’t we unzip this belief and try to stroke out some truth.

Height + Body Size = Penis Size?

Hmmmm..... Could it be?

Okay, lets do a little math: based on the equation that most people use when determining penis size, the size of a man’s junk is proportional to his height and build. Therefore, the taller and bigger you are, the more well endowed you must be downstairs, right? Not quite. In the world of porn, we have two contenders: Sir Lex Steele standing at 6 foot 2, and Mandingo, standing at 5 foot 7. Based on the equation above, one should be able to deduce that Lex Steele has the bigger pole since he’s significantly taller than Mandingo. But upon further “research” (aka, extensive time watching films such as “Booty Talk 29” and “Ass Worship 6”) you will release that Lex Steele is a full 9 inches while Mandingo is a complete 12. Yes, TWELVE inches of terror.

Now you see, I understand the logic. The logic behind this assumption is that body types are proportional – which they often are. Taller guys have bigger feet while shorter guys have shorter extremities. Since Asian people have been shown to be on the shorter side of the spectrum, it’s an immediate response to associate short in height with short in dick. But as Mandingo has shown, sometimes, the only Goliath David must face lives somewhere inside his pants.

How Can We Tell If Someone Is Big or Small?

"What is that THING?!"

Whenever I encounter random guys on XBOX Live spurting shit like “You’re Asian?! All Asian guys have small dicks! Haha!” I usually respond with “… wait a minute – how do YOU know how big an Asian dick is? In order to come to that conclusion, statistically speaking, you must have had a SHIT load of Asian dicks in your mouth!”

So how do we really know what size anyone is? Unlike breasts which can be gauged and visually measured through normal clothing, penises can’t exactly be measured by the size of a bulge. You can’t exactly eyeball the Rocky Mountain of jeans on a man and say with confidence that a man is a solid 6 inches. So instead, many look towards a more analytical approach: “scientific studies.”

"Ma'am, in order to accurately measure your husbands penis, you'll have to stroke him off... NOW! "

Here’s the deal: apparently, scientists have found a way to gather a group of men of all races, jerk off their shlongs till maximum hardness, measure them, then get told by the man that their jeans make their ass look big and that they’re taking up too much of the blankets – but that’s just my guess.

All stroking — I mean joking, aside, my main question to this type of study is, how is this study conducted? Is the scientist a bald Mexican guy with a tape measure, or is there a pricey hooker with a ruler etched into her mouth? And as most men can agree upon, there’s a difference between getting it up, and getting it hard. The latter including side effects such as light headedness, and the sensation that one’s boner will rip out of it’s own skin and donk onto the carpet like a tube of frozen deli meat. This difference can have a great affect on overall size.

So? How do we really know? Seriously, how do we? And please, save your “well, they measured the dicks of babies and studies show that Asian babies—“ REALLY?! Are you really going to measure a baby dick and say that their adult dick is comparable? Because if so, then shit, ALL of us have micro baby dicks!

Asian Porn: Why Do They Blur Out The Penises/
Why Are The Penises So Average?

"Average? Where?"

During my quest to find my inner Angry Asian man in my teenage years, I found myself lost in a sea of chat rooms and forums. Amidst my cyber travels, I managed to talk to a handful of real Asian pornstars including the one and only, Keni Styles. In one of the discussions, we took a very deep look into some gaping holes of mystery, one of which included the confusion over why Asian porn blurs out the guy’s penis, and why the guys tend to be more on the average size.

According to the guys from the porn industry, Asian porn produced in Asia is primarily focused on the sole pleasures of the man (who is viewing the video.) With that in mind, the blurring of the penis allows a viewer to see the woman, and only the woman. There are no distractions and the viewer can concentrate on the girl’s face, and the fact that she is being pleasured. Additionally, the use of average sized men is not due to a lack of long dongs, but rather, it allows the viewer to feel empowered. It gives the man a sense that he is better than the man who is performing. He who watches is the real star, and he is the one in the video having sex with the pornstarlette.

"Wow! It totally feels like I'm being pissed on by Japanese School Girls!"

So for most non-Asian males, the only way that they can see an actual Asian meat balloon is to watch Asian porn produced in Asia (forget about Asian men starring in American porn, because we all know that won’t happen.) In order to see one for yourself, you’re basically given the options of:

a.) Watching Asian porn
b.) Jerking off your Asian neighbor
c.) Investing in high-tech x-ray goggles

So unless you have iron balls and can muster up the courage to knock on Mr. Takamoto’s door and ask to see his third leg, you’re really only left with one option.

Then again... if you're a single lady and your neighbor is Keni Styles, then perhaps you should...

Why Does This All Matter?

You see, the problem with the Asian Penis joke is that it’s incredibly hard to prove and disprove. As an Asian guy receiving the insult, what can I really do to make the insult go away? Do I just drop my pants and take out a ruler to prove you wrong? Or should I stand my ground and repeat in a loud voice that “I AM NOT SMALL!” You see what I mean? You see how difficult it is to actually do anything about this? How hard it is to convince someone otherwise?

Despite this stalemate situation, us Asian guys (and all guys in general) should realize one truly important lesson: who the fuck cares? I mean honestly, unless you’re making money shooting loads on people’s faces, you really have no need to be so concerned with your junk. Men stress so heavily on something that quite frankly, a majority of them will rarely get to use – if at all.

A penis is a penis. Whether you’re rocking out with your Mandingo cock out, or you’re cruisin’ on by with your Bart Simpson pecker, your penis is your own penis. You use it to piss, to masturbate, and to reproduce. That’s really it. It’s just a chunk of skin. Stop concerning yourself with the size of it because in the end, most women really don’t give a damn. And if they do, it’s never to the extent that men fear. I highly doubt that if you were to sport a rice-sized chode, a girl would look at it and say “Get away from me you circus freak! Take that millimeter Peter back to the laboratory where it belongs!”

So to answer your question about whether Asian guys have small penises or not, the answer is the same whether the victim of choice is Asian, Black, White, or Egyptian: yes and no. Yes, some Asian guys have small penises, and othersĀ  do not. Yes, some Black guys have big penises, and others do not. It all depends. Stop trying to conclude this question with one definite answer. There is none, and there never will be.

And to my Asian brothers out there: don’t give any guy, girl, or internet troll two seconds of your time when they joke about your dick. Your wang is the wangiest of all wangs. Keep it up, hold it proud, and use it wisely. After all, 60% of the world’s population is Asian which means one thing: we may have a negative stereotype about our shlongs, but at least we’re getting laid.

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Oh, and for those of you who just aren’t satisfied till you see proof for yourself, well, here ya go: (NSFW)