Remember that scene from the movie Kill Bill Vol. 2 where the main character (Uma Thurman) goes to train with Pai Mei, the Kung Fu master? Well, lately I’ve been feeling a lot like Pai Mei. Not to say that my hair is turning Grey or that I know Kung Fu, but I do feel like some wise old Asian guy giving advice to a bunch of White Girls/non-Asians – literally.
30 Minutes Ago… a random girl messaged me
Random White Girl: Do asian guys do alot of sweet talking?
Wise Asian: lol i don’t know, it depends on each guy
Random White Girl: What’?! you’re the asian dude whisperer lol. I read your stuff
The Asian Dude Whisperer?! THE ASIAN DUDE WHISPERER?! Well… I actually kinda like that name, haha, but still! You’d be surprised how many of these requests I get. I get comments and messages all the time asking me about how girl X can seduce Asian guy Y into Z’ing her V – the shit I read is cray cray! But it all leads to one very important issue:
People don’t know jack SHIT about Asians vs Asian-Americans.
What? Did I hurt your feelings? You think you’re in-tune with your Asian-ness because you drink Pearl Tea while watching Naruto? Get the hell out of here with that crap! I honestly love it when I see these weeaboos who parade around their anime loving selves acting like they know what’s going on with the Asian community better than us Asians. In fact, I myself barely know what’s going on because there’s just too much crap swimming in our toilet.
Now comes the real Kung Fu Lesson: Although we are different and special, there are plenty of things you can keep in mind when dating us. Things that we have in common, things which you can read about in books that illustrate how “hey, we might be Japanese and Korean and Filipino, but we do share some characteristics and we do go through similar experiences.” So pick up your chopsticks cuz child, I’m gonna teach you how to catch yourself an Asian Prince.
Is He “Made In America”?
As ridiculous as it might sound to some of you white folks out there, there are a crazy list of differences between native born Asians and Asian-Americans. When it comes to Asian-Americans (especially if they were born and raised in the States), there’s a high chance that they are completely and totally Americanized, thus you really don’t have to do much in terms of changing yourself. Treat them like any other American person you know and you won’t have a single problem. Can’t seem to grasp this concept? Think about it like this:
Let’s say that you’re a White girl. Chances are, you’re mixed between a bunch of European ethnicities which have all been stewed in a genetic cauldron for years and years resulting in this mixed mutt, aka, YOU. You might be mixed with German, English, Scottish, and Dutch; or you could just be half English and half Irish. But imagine if you were part Irish (born and raised in America) and an Asian guy liked you. How would you feel if the Asian guy taking you out decided to say “Hey, I know you’re part Irish so I decided to take you out to the pub for our first date. Hows’ about a pint while we sing folk songs and eat potatoes?!”
Feels kinda weird, right? The same applies to Asians. Just because we’re Asian doesn’t mean we have rock gardens in our backyard and spelling bee trophies on our mantel. If we’re Asian-American, we probably eat macaroni and cheese, enjoy shooting a gun, and have a strong attachment to “I Love Lucy.” Hell, we might even be more Americanized than some of you!
General Rule of Thumb: Unless you can tell that an Asian-American guy is VERY attached to his cultural values and customs, treat him like you would every other American citizen.
What If He’s Fresh Off The Boat (F.O.B)?
If you’re dealing with a F.O.B, then shit… you’re on your own! LOL! Just kidding 🙂 If he is an immigrant from Asia, you just have to use your best judgment to see how culturally attached he is. Don’t be afraid to ask him questions. Figure out what his views are on religion, relationships, sex, marriage, and cuddling. Really talk to him and figure him out. Some of you ladies seem too scared to do that and you make the biggest mistake you can possibly make: you make very stereotypical assumptions. You just assume that “Well, he’s Japanese so he must be into hardcore Anime porn and living the Samurai lifestyle, right?!” Wrong.
Everyone from every culture is different. Sometimes we may be part of one culture but it doesn’t mean we adopt every single custom from that culture. Maybe the Japanese guy who just moved here from Tokyo is a fan of Sushi and Samurais but actually has a passion for Ebony porn instead of Anime? Or maybe the Vietnamese guy you’ve been tutoring for the last two weeks likes Indian girls more than he likes Asian? Who knows?! That is why it is so important for you to actually get in there and ask questions. We all have our quirks and hidden fetishes/annoyances, so figure those out.
General Rule of Thumb: If he’s an Asian Immigrant, just ask him a bunch of questions and figure out how “Asian” he really is. Get a better understanding of how he feels about his culture because when you think about it, if he is an immigrant, he chose to immigrate to your country for a reason. Maybe that reason is because he dislikes his culture and is seeking a better opportunity – or maybe he just likes Black girls.
What Does This All Mean?
A lot of you are really stupid – no seriously, you are. Some of you have your ever-expanding Asian-loving brains shoved so far up your dirty asshole that you’re blind to the fact that before someone is Asian, or African, or American… they’re a person. No one wants to be stereotyped and they sure as hell don’t want to date the person doing it themselves. If you do find yourself interested in an Asian guy who is of a culture you don’t understand, then just do a little bit or research. Figure out some basic cultural values and use it as a reference.
After you do your homework, go talk to the Asian guy for hours and hours, go out for coffee and sandwiches, let him touch your boobs, I don’t know! Just go out and have a spectacular and amazing date with him. Blow his mind with how interesting you are, your passions and aspirations in life. If you feel like he’s too different for you and you just can’t relate on any level – whether it’s through cultural similarities or your burning love for Radiohead – then just walk away. It’s not worth it. I’ve met way too many women who like Asian guys and are willing to change their own personalities just so they can attract him – that’s not how it should work.
Your love and attraction should be effortless. It should be simple and the attraction should be as powerful as a red stick of dynamite bursting earth into the air. As one of my Communication Studies professors once said:
“If you like someone and you want that person in your life, it doesn’t matter if you’re a different ethnicity or you speak a different language completely. If you like them, your personalities will find a way to make it work.”