Interracial Dating Q&A #3: Help! My Asian Boyfriend Won’t Have Sex With Me!

You know what you will never see on TV? Asians on Jerry Springer. Save for that one episode on Jerry Springer where some Filipino dude cheats on his wife, you and your children’s children will never have the privilege of seeing an Asian Man do the “You are NOT the father” dance.

Oooh yes-suh! I am not the Father-suhh!!

And you know why? Unlike the Asians in K-Town, Asian people generally keep their drama to themselves. Shit going down with your Baby Daddy (or in this case, Baby Oppa) and you don’t know what to do? Need some advice? Too damn bad because since Asians don’t flaunt their business you inversely won’t find solutions. But that’s what I’m here for –  I’m like the Asian Witch Doctor. You slip me a note under the door and for a hefty price of, FREE DOLLARS, I can help you out (given that I actually get a chance to read the damn thing.) So here are a few questions that I’d like to cast my shining yellow light on for yall.

Q: How do Asian parents feel about their son bringing home a caucasian girl with young children from a prior long term relationship?

“Kids! We need to build up our Chi so Mommy can find you an Asian Daddy!”

A: This scenario sounds familiar. Probably because it’s the basic premise of pretty much every damn Lifetime movie in existence (minus the cheating and stabbing.) But in all honesty, I think it just depends on several factors

Racially speaking, this scenario basically plays out the same whether your boy toy is Chinese, Japanese or Filipino: shakey at first but with lots of potential. The reason is that when entering the dragon with your own baggage, depending on how old the Asian guy is, he might be a busy Medical student pursuing a career in Neurosurgery with not enough time to scratch-and-sniff his own balls or he could be a well-off Engineer that has plenty of time after work. It’s all in the timing.

“Good job Billy! Your Japanese Caligraphy skills will definitely win over Mommy’s new boyfriend, Tetsuya!”

In regards to timing, it can be really tricky dating an Asian when he (or she) is caught inside the vicious, time-sucking Vortex we like to call SCHOOL. More so than any other ethnicity, I will hear Asians talk about “nah man, I don’t have time for girls right now. I’m hella busy with law school.” So the question to you my dear is how far into this Vortex are you planning to fall in? And the relevance this has to his parents is parallel in the sense that, for Asian parents, the general mentality is that so long as your School/Career is going well, everything his hunky dory. Hell, your man could be setting World records for most Grammy Awards won but if his grades aren’t top notch, his parents will feel dishonored.

So to answer your question simply: Whether you’re Black, White or Brown, entering a relationship with an Asian guy while having kids is all dependent on where he is in life. If you enter at the wrong time, not only do you run the risk of his parents viewing you as a “distraction” but you can also wind up on the back-burners and even worse, your kids won’t get a great chance to warm up to him – and that’s not fair for anyone. However, there are exceptions and if you can time it right OR if you have your own shit together with your own career and academic life on track, you can pull it off. And if it is done right? Well then shit, not only do you have a future husband but you got yourself a man that’s ready for a LIFE with you. If that’s the situation you’re in, well damn, you better start picking the type of carpet you’ll want for your new house!

“Isn’t this Great Susan?! I got the new Neuroscience Job!” “Oh boy Wang Peng! Goodbye wonderbread, hello Jasmine Rice!

Q: I’m unfamiliar with Vietnamese dating customs and there’s a vietnamese guy that has shown interest in me and I don’t want to offend him in anyway as I too am interested in him, how do I tackle the situation?

“Okay Ayesha, your Asian prince charming is just across the hall. Just relax and whatever you do, don’t say ‘Ni-Hao'”

A: I always get so confused when people ask me these kinds of questions. I mean, I do know a various amount of Asian cultural information but I’m not the goddamn Farmers Almanac of Asian-ness. These questions are just a bit too specific for my reach. I can teach you a bit about ASIANS as a whole and other general customs to keep in mind when dealing with the yellow kind, but this shit? You’ll have to google it.

My Advice: dont’ be racist, don’t say anything stupid, make sure you eat a handful of breath mints and, uhhh… don’t be afraid to ask him out on a second date. Simple enough?

Q: Is it true that asian guys all have small penises? i have a korean bf he is so cute and all that and he loves me very much we have been together for 4 years but he doesnt wanna have sex and doesnt wanna talk about this either i dont know what to do anymore he wants to get married later on but he wants to have sex after marriage i am so confused

“Why does this Asian guy keep trying to dance with me every time I grind on him?! Is it something I said?!”

A: Just rape him. Rip off his clothes, take off his Chinese Rice hat, grab his ASIAN penis and RAPE HIM GOOD! That is the only way. If not, you can just spread sesame seed oil on his balls and deep fry his dick and scream out loud “ME RIKEY SOME DIM SUM, BABY!”

Or you can go for the whole rape thing. That works too.

Thanks to me, you will never look at Sesame Balls and Chinese Donuts the same. EVARRRR!!!

As always, my Facebook is always open for questions and comments and if you haven’t already, be sure to LIKE! The Official Facebook Page of The Love Life of an Asian Guy!