Asian Guy Confessions: I F*CKING LOVE My Black Girlfriend’s Natural Hair!!!

Oh, me from 2010. So young, so inexperienced yet so full of optimism.

I remember three years ago I wrote a blog called “Asian guy speaks: I think Black Women have Sexy Hair!” which became an instant hit. Black women from all over the internet came flooding my way to thank me for speaking my mind and being so candid about my feelings towards their natural hair. So what do I think now, now that I actually am with a Black woman who has natural hair? Are my opinions still the same or do I have any hidden secrets woven in between?

My Natural Haired Goddess

LOOK AT HER GORGEOUS HAIR! Now look at mine! Don’t our hairstyles make a cute couple? HELLL YEAA THEY DO!

This is my extraordinarily gorgeous girlfriend, Livi.

Livi has been all natural for most of her life and as her boyfriend I couldn’t be happier. I love the way her hair catches the light in the sun, the fruity smell from the products that she uses (well, most of the products at least) and I especially adore the variety of styles that she manages to pull off. You see, some guys don’t have the patience for the whole ‘girls spending hours and hours on their hair’ kind of thing. However, I’m an Asian guy who actually cares about not looking like William Hung so I devote my sweet minutes to curing and crafting my head of hair. I blow dry it, comb it, add product, style it more, add more product then top it off with hair spray. In many ways, Livi can actually be faster at doing her hair than me — which she teases me about.

Unlike me and my sacred hairdo ritual before school, Livi spends most of her time preparing her hair the night before. Jojoba oil this, argan oil that and a host of creams and butters that would make Paula Deen salivate. Sometimes it can get a bit messy with her products all over the counter but it’s not a big deal, I’m used to it. She truly does spend a good amount of time on her hair but I get it — natural hair is far more high maintenance than Asian hair and I actually respect the fact that she knows what she’s doing. Living with a natural haired woman might seem like it would eat up the time you share together but in reality, it’s no more than an hour each day.

Touching, Feeling And Playing With Her Hair

Livi enjoying a cup of “expensively rich and decadent” hot tea from IKEA.

Prior to dating Livi I was under the impression that I would be put into a headlock had I touched or THOUGHT ABOUT TOUCHING a Black woman’s hair. Hey, that’s cool! Back when I had Asian spikes, if you so much as grazed a single spike by accident, LORD HELP YOU because I would have dragon punched your spleen out. But with Livi, she made it clear from the beginning that she didn’t mind me touching her hair. Hell, I could even play with it if I wanted.

I‘d like to think I’m not alone on this but honest to god, I LOVE playing with my girlfriend’s natural hair. I love how soft her hair feels, the way the curls slide through my fingers tugging softly at my fingertips and the sensation I get from it. When we’re watching T.V together on the couch I’ll occasionally turn her back towards me and massage her head with my fingers, making her neck tingle as her shoulders relax and drop. This, to me, is incredibly sexy and is even relaxing for myself.

“Baby, your kitchens are like a lily pad floating on an ocean of happiness on a river bank…err…something like that…”

Though, my favorite thing to do is play with her kitchens. Apparently, kitchens are the smaller hairs on the very back of a person’s natural head that tend to grow in random directions, much like a cowlick, and are often shorter or more curly than the rest. This is my playground. It’s like I’m a child again as I curl, uncurl and even smell the damn thing. Kitchens are damn cute and curse you if you ever try to make them go away! LEAVE THE KITCHENS ALONE, DAMMIT!

The Straightening Of The Hair

It’s an unfortunate reality that the American job market is biased against Black Women. Livi has been on a number of job interviews and although it isn’t scientifically tested, we’ve noticed that most of the interviews that went well were when her hair was straight while the not-so-stellar interviews happened when she wasn’t. Now, we can debate the validity of straight hair vs natural in a job interview but when you’re trying to find a new job to pay for the things you need, hell, you’ll do anything to give yourself that edge even if it means frying your hair under a flat iron (no, she doesn’t relax it — thank god.)

It makes me sad that she has to straighten those beautiful curls and when she does, I feel like a part of her physical identity is temporarily removed and a more “family friendly” and “socially accepted” version is replaced. I know it’s still my girlfriend but I just can’t help seeing it a bit differently. It saddens me even more knowing that deep down, she doesn’t want to do it either.

On her 21st Birthday we went to Bouchon, a Michelin starred restaurant just north of Napa Valley.

On the other hand, there are moments when stylistically, she wants to straighten her hair. Moments when she’s going for a certain look — maybe it’s 60’s themed or perhaps she wants to sweep it to the side — and in those cases we’re not so sad. I still prefer her natural hair but luckily, she actually styles her hair damn well so I’m always a fan.

My Love And Hate Relationship With “The Bonnet”

Shower cap or bonnet? THE WORLD WILL NEVER KNOW!…. nah, jk, that’s a bonnet.

The Bonnet. Most call it a bonnet, I call it: a chef’s hat, an ice cream cone or a Princess Leia. The first time I saw her wear one I was like, “Waddahayl? Why do you have a shower cap on?” to which she replied, “It’s a bonnet! Black girls wear it to bed to protect their hair.” And when she says she wears it to bed I’m saying she wears it to bed EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Some days I think it looks like a silly little hat, other days it looks like a cute cupcake head and other nights, as in, those nights I feel a bit more strongly.

My girlfriend has gorgeous hair and seeing it tussle and move is a turn-on. So when we’re getting intimate, the last thing I want on my mind is a damn ice cream cone let alone Princess Leia with an ice cream cone on her head. It’s too damn distracting! Worse yet, bonnets seem to come in only three colors: black, hot pink and some ugly ass butterscotch color. How can I focus on you when I’m starting to think about some damn sweets?! Although, the most important reason why I dislike bonnets during these moments is that to me, bonnets signify that you’re done for the day and that you’re sleepy. So there’s competing messages between the actions being made and the bonnets being worn — catch my drift?

So yea, tip of the day: bonnets are cool except during intimate times.

But THIS is okay during intimate moments :oD

Natural Hair Is Beautiful Because?

Natural hair isn’t beautiful on Livi because of the style or the texture or the even color — even though they are. To me, natural hair is beautiful on Livi because natural hair is… (brace yourself)… NATURALLY HOW HER HAIR LOOKS! It appears exactly as it should and despite being hard to maintain and moisturize and style, she does it. She cares for her hair and it is a symbol of who she is, what she is and how she wants to be seen. And yes, her hair texture is very different from other black women but according to Livi, her hair used to be more fro-like when she was younger before it became color damaged. So her hair is part of her identity and history and if it means that much to her, if it means spending hours taking care of it and wearing bonnets and applying tons of product then HELL YES, it means that much to me too.

You see, I don’t have anything against Black women who relax their hair, straighten or dye it, wear wigs, weaves or braid it, I have no problem at all because I GET IT. I get that society has a fucked up expectation of beauty that has been developed over the years and unfortunately, natural Black hair isn’t always a part of that ‘blonde and beautiful’ story. So when I see a Black woman with relaxed hair or a Black woman with a weave on, it makes me sad. It makes me sad knowing that she has to do that to herself. She has to change part of WHO SHE IS and what is a part of her own genetics in order to feel beautiful, to feel accepted and to feel like herself. It truly does make me sad.

I see it no differently than Jewish people who try to remove the bump on their nose, Asians who pay for double eyelid surgery, pale White people that spend hours tanning or dark skinned brothers and sisters that try to bleach their skin. Sure, these are all things that can make you feel better and less insecure but the question isn’t about, “does it make them feel confident?” but rather, “why do they feel insecure to begin with?” And in my eyes, no one should have to feel like who they truly are and how they are born is anything less than perfect — especially Black women struggling with accepting their natural hair.

So to the 2010 version of myself, I congratulate you for writing that awesome blog and (hopefully) leading the way to more Asian guys falling MADLY IN LOVE with Black women and their natural hair. As for the 2013 version of myself, the one head-over-heels for a beautiful Black woman with luscious, delicious, beautiful, cute, sexy and perfect hair? What lesson should I give to myself? Well.. perhaps I’ll save my words of wisdom till Livi and I have cute little Blasian kids and I’m the one hunched over the couch combing my son or daughters hair as I cheerfully play with their kitchens.

After uploading an image of myself and Livi to this website, the site generated an approximation of what our future child “might” look like. I KINDA see it, yea?

26 thoughts on “Asian Guy Confessions: I F*CKING LOVE My Black Girlfriend’s Natural Hair!!!

  1. Thanks again!!!!! I love how you actually encourage us girls with black heritage to actually love all our features as what they are, unique!!!!!! Is really sweet to read something like this and to think of myself years ago when I used to b amazed by blonde straight hair, fair skin, thin nose, and just this idea of what beauty should be! Now I actually LOVE all that makes me unique, from my spanish eyes, to my little rounded nose, to my curly(and unique and beautiful) hair! To my full lips. From my tanned complexion to my small figure. I love every single part of what is me, and that makes so so secure and happy!

    The only think I sometimes wish for is to actually be more tanned(like all the other women in my family, their skins are gorgeous!!!!) but i love my complexion anyway!

    Anyway, thanks again for this, its a boost for my ego LOl

  2. This was awesome!! Great job pointing out the truth about Black women and assimilation of our hair for certain aspects of our lives. As a black woman I just bun my hair for an interview and after I get the job I let it all hang loose lol!

  3. Another great post on this topic! I commented on your other post about this and it always confuses me that white or Asian guys kinda like natural hair but black or Latino guys don’t.

    I’m Afro-latina( cubana to be exact) and as an Afro Latina I have all the features of person of African descent, thick lips, darker skin and kinky hair. I’ve predominantly dated Latino( mostly white ones) guys with a sprinkle of black here and there and what I’ve noticed is that they have such a slave mindset. Lighter is better, straighter is prettier, the less African features you have, the more attractive you are. It just doesn’t make sense???

    My boyfriend is mixed race but to the world he could be solely Latino because he’s a really light olive color and his features resemble more of a “blanquito” and not so much black.

    When my hair is “done” as he calls it, or straight, I’m not lying when I say he compliments me every second or every day. But when I wear it nappy, kinky or whatever you want to call it, it’s like I have to be walking around naked for him to notice me 😆 When I got senegalese twists, everyone around me thought I looked hot, in fact so many guys hit on me I was overwhelmed! But my boyfriend thought I didn’t look as pretty with twists as I do with my long straight hair. We’ll argue about it and he always tells me ” do you know how many negritas wish they had long hair like you do”? I wish I could rock my hair with honor but a part of me feels like what is long hair when I have to put it through all this chemical processing just to fit a certain standard?

    Meanwhile my twin sister who’s dating a white guy prefers when her hair is braided, twisted, kinky or any natural hair style I can think of! It’s making me pull my hair out because I’m not sure why men so opposite of myself like when I look the way I was born, but guys closer to my heritage just cannot. I just don’t get it!!!!

    Sorry for the rant, but is anyone going through something similar ??


    • Hi Liberated! Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you said most of those guys you dated have a slave mindset…the lighter the better. But may I ask what your mindset is in that per your words, you’ve only dated “mostly white ones…with a sprinkle of black in them”?

      Falco, this post was great as usual. Always very insightful. In relation to your post, I read an article the other day that said the sale of relaxers has gone down about 43% in the last few years, and they’re expecting it to hit 50% in the next few!

      • I meant I’ve dated mostly “white” Latinos( latin guys with visible european heritage e.g. light skin non kinky hair)and black guys where they thought a girl with visible European heritage she was more attractive. I’ve dated Latinos because we share a similar background(I’m Cuban ) but they’ve mostly been light skinned and its never been by necessity but because black men and black Latino men rarely want to date me because I’m not light. I love brothas and I love my Negritos, I wish I could say I’ve dated more. I’ve dated one black guy (not mixed)but he moved onto a white girl, and that soooo hurt. But I still have faith in brothas, so one bad experience hasn’t discouraged me. Was just sharing my story🙂

        • Got it! Where are you located, if you don’t mind me asking. Sorry to hear about our experiences with the brothas, lol. Though I haven’t experienced it, I’ve heard from many women who have. Not sure what it will take to open their eyes to what’s happening within them.

          • Well I’m originally from Florida but I have to say I live in the northeast, and the behavior in the northeast is a bit less in your face. A lot of back handed compliments go around lol. Appears to happen a lot up north lol.

          • I don’t mind at all, I live in Connecticut🙂 New Haven, to be specific. If you’re familiar with Yale I’m in that area. Have you ever been?

            Like I mentioned I won’t let a few bad apples ruin the bunch🙂 Some of buddies refuse to date *insert race of a guy here* guys cuz of one bad experience, I always thought of that as close minded😦

            • That’s funny! I’m from Florida, and now live in the Northeast as well, haha! OK, Yale area, I’ve never been there, but I can definitely see that sort of attitude happening there, lol.

  4. Haha! “Kitchens.” Nice to know that this is a universal term and not a southern thing. Yes, that part of the hair is just…unruly! What’s great about black women’s hair is that it is the most versatile. Some of us can wear afros, our natural curls (like Livi), straighten it, or wear protective styles (i.e., braids, twists, etc.) and look f’n fabulous (But God forbid humidity!). Believe it or not, I as well as many other black women have received more compliments from people who aren’t black. Whites tell me all the time tell me that they love my hair–men and women. And some people will want touch it. (I will never understand why.) But touching it is still a big no-no. Unless you are a boyfriend. In that case, well, touch it as much as you want!

    Great post! I love it when men of other races find and understand the beauty of a black woman. Makes my heart smile.

  5. Thank you Falco as usual for raising the bar for expressing the beauty that makes black women unique and beautiful. I went natural years ago and love it! I had what they call the 7 year itch in 2008 and cut all my locks off😦 and went back to fried, died and laid to the side🙂. But felt lost, naked:(. My crown as we call it was my gift. And I missed it like hell. 2010 I had enough of caring what anyone thought and went all in and got my crown back. I’m natural again and my Chinese boyfriend loves it. He plays with it and tells me he loves it. He says I’m gorgeous and look regal when I twist them up in a bun.:) I’m truly blessed that my Asian boyfriend gets it! Thank you for this blog and please keep writing! Best forever to you and Livi & your future ( Gems) Blasian children.

  6. Another awesome post. I love that you love natural black hair, and understand the struggles, time, and care that goes into it. I have been natural my whole life, but sometimes even I get tired of dealing with it. But I wouldn’t have my hair any other way.🙂 Hopefully a lot more Asian men will grow to see the beauty in natural black hair. I was really touched when you were talking about doing the hair of you and Livi’s children when you guys have some. I would love to see a picture of that. Better study up now, it’s not easy, lol.🙂

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  8. i loved your post made me smile all the time and your girlfriend is really stunning,
    is so sad that she needs to straighten her hair to look more friendly for society,
    where i live in the Netherlands curly hair is so loved because of the amount of mixed kids, curly hair is seen as big pretty and sexy and also as diverse hair we can wear our hair curly and wear it straight without going true so much problems.
    i love wearing my curly hair both ways because i like the fact that i can change it up, and not because society wants me to have straight hair. And my boyfriend(chinese) likes it both ways too so im happy

  9. Pingback: Beauty Killed The Girl | westerngirleasternboy

  10. Loved it! I dont know how many bw are like me though but I dont wear a bonnet. Used to when I was a teen, thats culturally what we are taught. But as a woman I left that alone and my hair is doing just fine. I used to have a pure-hate-relationship with it LOL! But every woman is different and I love that you respect her little “rituals” heehee!

  11. I wear my hair in braids because it… Doesn’t make a proper fro! My hair is mostly wavy and the parts that curl have an irregular pattern. My afro looks like matted, dry, frizzy white girl hair😄.
    I love my braids though! I’ve been told I should relax my hair, but even though it’s difficult I like playing with it at home when my braids are out; it’s wonderfully soft and fluffy. Just.. Not job friendly (I work in a clothing store and my frizzy fro won’t work there.)

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