Why You Suck At Interracial Dating: You Want Him To Look Asian But Act “Caucasian”

As a professional Internetz navigator, I have learned to develop a thick skin for stupid comments. Youtube comments, Facebook comments, and yes, WorldStarHipHop comments. I avoid responding to idiotic comments since I have zero patience to debate the logistics of blackface with a 34-year old manlet from Kentucky. In rare instances, a comment or two will jolt through my system and I’ll feel a sudden urge to speak up.

This was one of those instances.


I get it, she had a blast with Mr. Italy – that’s cool! Heck, that guy could have treated her out to Sizzler on an early bird special and finished the night eating a cannoli out of her cornhole – WHO KNOWS?! But why the comparison? Why do Asian men need to learn a lesson from Italian Men? And why am I so upset about this minor, no-need-to-worry comment that could have been flicked like the booger it was? Simple: a lot of people who date interracially fail to understand the qualities of an ethnic group because they’re constantly comparing it to others.

This is a driving force as to why people think Asians are shy, Blacks are aggressive, and Latinas are sex-crazy. Instead of appreciating the aspects of one culture as a unique and individual category, they constantly weigh it against a particular standard (which is generally White, Western culture.) They may see a cute Asian guy who failed to maintain eye contact and they’ll propagate, “ugh! He’s so shy! Why can’t he be like White guys and just look at me?!” Instead, she could have asked, “Does he come from a place where eye contact is disrespectful? Is eye contact only reserved for close friends and lovers? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!”


“He grabbed by boob 8 times. But why? Wait… isn’t 8 a lucky number in China? SWEET!”

Too often I see this comparison made. It’s almost as if people wanna date Asians but are secretly looking for all the characteristics of a Southern White guy or a New York Black guy (whatever the hell that means.) This makes just as much sense as visiting the local Sushi bar, ordering a spicy tuna roll only to complain, “ugh! this tastes nothing like a bacon double cheeseburger!”

Furthermore, I think there’s another discreet yet equally damaging effect that develops when you’re always measuring the quality of cultures in reference to another: language. Asians guys are timid compared to Blacks. Black women are ratchet compared to Asians. Asian women are docile compared to Whites. White men are more stable than Latinos. These note cards organized in our compendium of language, though tiny and modest in appearance, begin to construct a dictionary used to define that ethnic group.


Sadly, THIS was how America used to compare and define its members…

It starts to turn into: Asian guys aren’t just more timid compared to blacks, they ARE timid by definition. But are they? As easy as it is to view Asian men as too shy or too weak and that they need to “learn from Italian men,” couldn’t that same Asian man say, “that Black girl was too aggressive and too violent for my taste”? While she’s swooning over Mr. Italy’s generosity and canoli-eating skills, what if he’s looking back at her as easy and gullible compared to Italian girls?

Why It Matters

"Oh hey there! I'm just about to pour you some tea!"

“Oh hey there! You’re just in time for a nice cup of tea!”

In your quest to find love outside the colored box you were drawn into, you will meet someone. You’ll meet a great man or woman and they’ll be the opposite of you with hair that feels lighter, eyes that look darker, or skin that tastes sweeter. They may may be concerned about different political issues or social issues, have contrasting expectations for who does the dishes or an assorted  opinion on how loud is loud when talking on the phone.

These are some of the moments you might expect from an interracial relationship.

Moments when your expectations collide with theirs. If you’ve listened to what I was trying to say, if you know how to accept the beauty and the individuality and the specificity of each culture as they are, without lamenting over how right or wrong it is compared to your own culture or another, if you can do that you’ll not only be equipped with the knowledge of interracial dating 101, but you won’t fret over a collision of cultures because you managed to find harmony between them.


10 thoughts on “Why You Suck At Interracial Dating: You Want Him To Look Asian But Act “Caucasian”

  1. The irony is that in Europe, Italian men are well known to be mammas’ boys – as in they still stay at mum’s place and rely on her for cooking, cleaning. That’s according to Italian women who date English men.

  2. I liked this article and it flowed well. I will add that you should edit the caption under the black woman. The word by should read my. Nice job.

  3. “Does he come from a place where eye contact is disrespectful? Is eye contact only reserved for close friends and lovers? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!”

    I am African and this is also a thing where I come from, i.e. it’s disrespectful to stare in people’s faces. Growing up, I could get a slap behind my head for staring in an elder’s face. 🙂

  4. I have been in Korea, I can tell you for a fact that “romance” is not anything that need to be taught from “Italians”. All countries are romantic in their OWN way, and italians are NOTHING to write home about (in my book anyway). Furthermore, whether western asian or asian asian, I have NEVER seen them as a monolith. There are many confident and bold asian dudes, I don’t know what’s wrong with people. Those who believe those stereotypes typically have never had asian friends or significant others and therefore only have an idea of “what they are” that is far from reality.

    JUST TODAY, I had a conversation with a very good asian male friend and a (non-black) female acquaintance who doesn’t know him very well. We were talking and she asked him if he was shy and he replied NO (shy people don’t reply straightforwardly like this). She then asked ME if he was shy trying to make me “confirm” her assumption. I told her that he WAS NOT, since I know him. She “disagreed” with us about it and I said to her “but he’s been comfortably talking to you, laughing and joking with you, what shy person would do this?”… that’s when she realized. My friend is laid back, he’s an observer. But he’s absolutely not shy. If he was white or black or hispanic, he wouldn’t be labelled as shy. But because he’s asian his silences must be shyness, the fact that he is not the “peacock” type thirsty for attention must be shyness.

    I don’t have much tolerance for stupidity.

  5. I think Italian men are overrated: i heard they only love their mother’s cooking, but they’re good chefs themselves.. however their partner’s cooking will never be as good a mom’s..
    i also have a friend who was courted by an italian man…. who happened to have a fiance and do so in front of the fiance. What’s there to learn from italian men? how to cheat? LMAO everyone knows how to cheat -.-

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  7. Here’s the thing: manning up the East Asian way includes not caring when an ignorant Westerner microaggresses in their attempt to help. It is having the pride and self knowledge to say “I appreciate the advice, it is wrong and based on poor understanding”.

    But it also includes adopting the part of the criticism that IS correct, interpreting the subtleties of the “energy” even if the overall form is incorrect. Manning up IS required (especially if all but the most perfectly presented critique cannot be heard).

    A controversial thought I would like to insert: given East Asian clan, culture and family based emphasis, East Asian “manning up” may mean maintaining a high in-group preference for life partner for the sake of intergenerational stability of culture. The individualist “meritocratic” model for dating is a Western thing, if you choose it go ahead, but it may very well undermine attempts to “man up” in the East Asian way.

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