At 8:34pm this morning I received an email from Ama Yawson with the title: The article is live. Please share it. Ama is a writer for the Huffington Post and she interviewed me as part of her series highlighting the gift of individuality as presented in her children’s book, Sunne’s Gift.
Minutes after sharing, my Facebook notification bar blew up with cheers and congratulations. My family, high school friends, and blog readers came in unison to pat me on the back. My girlfriend, Livi, asked me, “how do you feel?” “I don’t know, I’m excited. I’m still digesting it.” As blessed as I felt, bathed in this giant pool of compliments, I felt something was missing. Hours later I found out why:
Jason Kinnison-Holmes was a long-time blog reader of mine residing half-way around the world in Runcorn, UK, age unknown, cosplay expert, and one prone to seizures. We first spoke in 2011 when he messaged me out of the blue:
Since then, Jason had always been that fan who would message me and ask questions that I would always try and avoid. Not because I thought he was annoying, but because his questions were. Even though my response would take days, sometimes weeks, he would still be there, eyes peeled to the screen to hear my next bit of rushed advice. Most of his inquiries were in regards to Asian women since that was his interest. As an interracial dating writer that focuses on Asian Male centric dating, I found it quite interesting that this random Black Man from the UK saw me as trustworthy.
“Can I ask a question? How can I deal with her mood swings?”
“How do you and Livi make things work?”
“I need your help! She’s pissed off bigtime because I showed her a quote on my phone’s lock screen saying “Love is… Wonderful!” and she started going crazy at me because I had a innocent picture of a girl in a Gothic Lolita dress instead of one of her, the problem being that I don’t have one of her.”
I don’t even write for this guy’s demographic! I have nothing to say about Asian women! I’m not that blogger! Still, he continued to message, seek advice, and follow my every word. One day, he messaged me with excitement about a woman he had met: Aya, a Filipina girl from Japan. I could tell he was finally happy, and so was I. But even outside my blogging, Jason had always been a pro-Ranier kind of guy.
Any time I posted anything, he would always pop up with encouraging words. “I agree!” “Great post!” “Another awesome blog!” One day, he asked me for my address and a few weeks later I received a postcard. Months after, I received another. A couple months after that, another.
Perhaps I have a soft-spot for things done the old fashioned way, but there’s something so romantic, thoughtful, and caring about a post-card stamped, written, and sent by hand. I didn’t expect anything less of him.
I guess what I’m trying to say through all of this is you can’t underestimate the weight of someone’s heart just because your only connection with them is online. Be it my friendship with Jason, or Jason’s love with Aya all the way across Japan. And although I can embrace the likes and shares and comments from my dearest fans, my heart is really missing one of those comments from Jason. I know he would be proud of me. I know he would re-post it and say something cheesy. But I don’t care. He was always a much better friend to me than I to him. He would have been such a great boyfriend to Aya, or even a great father. He would have made her so incredibly happy – with or without my advice.
As I sit back and scroll through the images of his face, with those eyes full of thought and curiosity, I can’t help but let the soft roll of tears crash loudly on my lap. I miss you, Jason… I should have responded faster. I should have taken more time giving you the advice you deserved. I should have written back. I would have written back.
I can’t write back…
I haven’t been active on this blog in quite some time and had intended on not doing so, but just for you, knowing how much you appreciated me and how much you supported me, I will go back. For you. To help someone who might be just like you. Because the Jason’s of this world deserve the time of day and, of course, their very own postcard.
Be well and may your soul dance freely among every hall of every comic-con and anime convention your heart desires.
With great Love.
Your friend and fan,