Why You Suck At Interracial Dating: You Want Him To Look Asian But Act “Caucasian”

As a professional Internetz navigator, I have learned to develop a thick skin for stupid comments. Youtube comments, Facebook comments, and yes, WorldStarHipHop comments. I avoid responding to idiotic comments since I have zero patience to debate the logistics of blackface with a 34-year old manlet from Kentucky. In rare instances, a comment or two will jolt through my system and I’ll feel a sudden urge to speak up.

This was one of those instances.

ITALIAN

I get it, she had a blast with Mr. Italy – that’s cool! Heck, that guy could have treated her out to Sizzler on an early bird special and finished the night eating a cannoli out of her cornhole – WHO KNOWS?! But why the comparison? Why do Asian men need to learn a lesson from Italian Men? And why am I so upset about this minor, no-need-to-worry comment that could have been flicked like the booger it was? Simple: a lot of people who date interracially fail to understand the qualities of an ethnic group because they’re constantly comparing it to others.

This is a driving force as to why people think Asians are shy, Blacks are aggressive, and Latinas are sex-crazy. Instead of appreciating the aspects of one culture as a unique and individual category, they constantly weigh it against a particular standard (which is generally White, Western culture.) They may see a cute Asian guy who failed to maintain eye contact and they’ll propagate, “ugh! He’s so shy! Why can’t he be like White guys and just look at me?!” Instead, she could have asked, “Does he come from a place where eye contact is disrespectful? Is eye contact only reserved for close friends and lovers? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!”

11

“He grabbed by boob 8 times. But why? Wait… isn’t 8 a lucky number in China? SWEET!”

Too often I see this comparison made. It’s almost as if people wanna date Asians but are secretly looking for all the characteristics of a Southern White guy or a New York Black guy (whatever the hell that means.) This makes just as much sense as visiting the local Sushi bar, ordering a spicy tuna roll only to complain, “ugh! this tastes nothing like a bacon double cheeseburger!”

Furthermore, I think there’s another discreet yet equally damaging effect that develops when you’re always measuring the quality of cultures in reference to another: language. Asians guys are timid compared to Blacks. Black women are ratchet compared to Asians. Asian women are docile compared to Whites. White men are more stable than Latinos. These note cards organized in our compendium of language, though tiny and modest in appearance, begin to construct a dictionary used to define that ethnic group.

1b-003-ss-09-cwebb_lg

Sadly, THIS was how America used to compare and define its members…

It starts to turn into: Asian guys aren’t just more timid compared to blacks, they ARE timid by definition. But are they? As easy as it is to view Asian men as too shy or too weak and that they need to “learn from Italian men,” couldn’t that same Asian man say, “that Black girl was too aggressive and too violent for my taste”? While she’s swooning over Mr. Italy’s generosity and canoli-eating skills, what if he’s looking back at her as easy and gullible compared to Italian girls?

Why It Matters

"Oh hey there! I'm just about to pour you some tea!"

“Oh hey there! You’re just in time for a nice cup of tea!”

In your quest to find love outside the colored box you were drawn into, you will meet someone. You’ll meet a great man or woman and they’ll be the opposite of you with hair that feels lighter, eyes that look darker, or skin that tastes sweeter. They may may be concerned about different political issues or social issues, have contrasting expectations for who does the dishes or an assorted  opinion on how loud is loud when talking on the phone.

These are some of the moments you might expect from an interracial relationship.

Moments when your expectations collide with theirs. If you’ve listened to what I was trying to say, if you know how to accept the beauty and the individuality and the specificity of each culture as they are, without lamenting over how right or wrong it is compared to your own culture or another, if you can do that you’ll not only be equipped with the knowledge of interracial dating 101, but you won’t fret over a collision of cultures because you managed to find harmony between them.

70fffc544fe94af6ebd554a78386dce3

The Asian “I Love You”: When His ‘I Love You’ Is Different From Yours

I guess you could call me lucky.

DAT HAIR GAME DOE

DAT HAIR GAME DOE

Growing up, I was an incredibly tame yet cheerful child. I’m willing to wager that this was due to my close bond with my Mom. Even to this day, she’ll ask me to sit on her lap like some 160 lb man-child while she recollects stories from my childhood. The struggles we went through when our family immigrated and what a blessing I was in her life. Most importantly, she said and still says: I love you – and I’ll say it back.

I guess you could call me lucky because when you compare my warm upbringing to the one other Asian Americans and Asians experienced, like a debate over which is better, Pho or Ramen, the two are total opposites:

You could brush it off and say, well, that’s the culture! They say I love you in different ways! True. Very true. But when you’re an Asian American man dating interracially and your wife is, say, African American or Latina American and they are used to expressing their appreciation and love in a most verbose way, using carefully chosen words to convey their emotions, where does the Asian “I love you” factor into it all? What happens when verbal and non-verbal “I love you’s” collide?

"What the hell, man! Why didn't she swoon over my cover of Maxwell? I KNEW I should have given the final rose to the Black chick with the natural hair!!"

“What the hell, man! Why didn’t she swoon over my cover of Maxwell? I KNEW I should have given the final rose to the Black chick with the natural hair!!”

Each and every one of us regardless of culture or gender all possess a unique set of love languages: ways that we feel love. For many Asian cultures, love is shown through gifts and actions. That’s probably why the parents of your Asian boyfriend of 2 years haven’t said they love you but they always bring over food or give you plastic bags filled free slippers or apples. Random gestures that, in your western mind, may mean nothing but, to them, mean everything.

"Bai Li, I bought this Physics book at the garage sale so you can prepare for 3rd grade! WHAT? Not Interested?! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!!"

“Bai Li, I bought this Physics book at the garage sale so you can prepare for 3rd grade! WHAT? Not Interested?! YOU DON’T LOVE ME!!!”

On the opposite end of the spectrum is Western love: it’s shown through words and touch. Peek your head into any sleezy nightclub and you’ll definitely see guys wording and touching their way into a girl’s heart via “let me touch your boobs.” See where things get complicated? See why interracial dating in the AMXF landscape can be so difficult? The way a person demonstrates love is often the method they expect to see it returned. A kiss for a kiss, not a kiss for a bag of persimmons.

So tonight, ladies and gentleman, when you go to bed next to your Asian boyfriend or Latina American girlfriend, make sure you show your love in a way they can understand. Be it a foot rub, a surprise cookie from Ms. Fields, whispers of sweet nothings into their ear, or a gentle kiss on the cheek. And maybe then they’ll close their eyes, kiss you back and think to themselves…

“How did I get so lucky?”

Farhia-and-Jason-Somali-Japanese-18

This Is Why You’re Single: “I Can’t Date Someone Outside My Culture – They Won’t Understand Me!”

You know that strange sixth sense you get when you can feel all the eyes in a room watching you? Like a giant spider peering into your soul, the room grows silent and all you can hear are a thousand eyeballs moving as you think to yourself, “goddamn, what the HELL are you all looking at?!” I knew I was the only Filipino in that Vietnamese restaurant, but damn, did I look that out of place? Then I realized something: they weren’t looking at me – they were looking at my girlfriend…

My Black girlfriend.

But I’ll get back to that story in just a minute…

One of the laziest excuses I hear from people uninterested in interracial relationships is their need to satisfy their culture. “How can I date a non-Indian man? What about my culture? How will he like my food?” “But, I’m a Black woman! There are things that only a Black man can understand about being Black and I need that in my Black life! How the hell can an Asian man understand what I’ve been through?!” “Aye dios mio! Yo soy Mexicana! Esta chino? PORQUE, NO!”

I get it. I really do. You value your heritage and your connection with your culture is so tight not even a TSA agent with a latex glove and a bottle of Astroglide can get through. You know your religion and interests are important so you feel like dating someone of the same background will be easy. A stress free relationship where you don’t have to explain why you do the things you do to a person who, in your mind, simply cannot understand “your people.”

“OMG like how can I date a guy who won’t understand my passion for corny Bollywood films? I AM NOT WATCHING IT WITH SUBTITLES!!”

But you’re wrong.

Since when have ANY of your damn relationships been easy? Most of the shittiest relationships I’ve been with were Asian women themselves who I shared the exact same culture and heritage with. The problem with the culture argument is that it assumes all relationship problems exist for culture reasons when truthfully, it’s almost always a personal issue.

Many moons ago I dated a Filipino girl who had a Filipino mom, Japanese dad, she ate rice and liked listening to R&B slow jams – basically your standard Asian girl. Unfortunately, she cheated on me and my 14 year old self was overly jealous. It was an epically disastrous relationship equivalent to Satan shitting on the Hindenburg just as it fell from the sky. But guess what? All of those reasons had nothing to do with our culture, it had everything to do with her infidelity and my insecurity.

“It’s OVER, Tyler! I don’t care if you slept with my grandmother! How could you NOT like the Red Sox and Mayonnaise as much as I do?!”

Now ask yourself this: does the success of a relationship truly hinge on whether or not your boyfriend likes Salsa dancing? Will your relationship crumble if he doesn’t know how to properly roll a Pierogi and shop for deli meats for your Russian family? Is he less of a man because he can’t fully understand the struggles of being a Black woman in modern society? Will you care for and love him less because he can’t speak your native language?

No.

“I’m sorry, ridiculously chiseled and immaculately styled Asian Man that is making me hot and heavy, I can’t date a man that hasn’t even attended a single Barmitzvah! GO AWAY, COMMIE!”

Believe it or not, culture can be taught. We as humans can learn to adopt and learn to understand and learn how to cook the way your grandmother does. Those are things you can teach a man. But honesty, loyalty, a sense of humor, a taste for an unexpected road trip or a passion for corny scary movies? THAT is something you cannot teach. Those are the beliefs that make your relationship great. Those are the true values that erect the foundation for a healthy love that lasts. If you can find those key qualities in a man and he just so happens to be Asian, or Black, or Sri Lankan, why not go for it? Why let that ONE thing get in the way of an amazing relationship?

When I sat in that Vietnamese restaurant earlier today, with all eyes on my girlfriend as she masterfully rolled and ate Banh Xeo with all the veggies and fish sauce intact, I completely forgot that she was Black. All I cared about was, damn, my baby got skills. She may not look Asian or have experienced life as an Asian, but she’s willing to understand my life and my interests while also teaching me hers. Because at the end of the day I didn’t choose her for her culture or heritage, I chose her for her heart, her mind, and our shared love affair for trying something new.

Culture does not define you – you define it.

 

Asian Culture Tips For Non-Asian Girls: How To Do The Asian Head Bow

I get a lot of fan mail from my blog readers about how much they love Asian culture. They talk about how much of the Korean language they’re learning in class, and how good they are at chopsticks. Up front I congratulate them but deep down in the center of my cold Asian heart — where my future Tiger Father will soon flourish — I want to *politely and gently* slap them with all my might.

“Go away. I’m allergic to Weeaboos”

You see, Asian culture really isn’t that difficult to understand. Whether you’re a pro at it or you can’t tell the difference between Kimchi and Toyota, I have a handful of easy tips to place into your non-Asian bag of tricks. First things first…

Learn The Asian Head Bow!

Obama rockin’ the Asian head bow like a champ.

You know how in movies whenever an Asian businessman meets an American businessman for the first time there’s always that awkward handshake scene? Yea, don’t even try to bow to your hot Asian date. Why? First off, most younger Asian guys don’t even do that kind of bow and second, it would come off as racist if you do it to him.

How It’s Done:

In most cases, 15 degrees is perfect. Anything more and you better be meeting the president of Taiwan or Kim Jong Un.

1. Position your body like you’re ready to bow down

2. Bend from your neck/upper chest — kinda like you’re nodding your head.

3. Bend down only about 15-20 degrees.

4. You can maintain eye contact while bowing down if you want. If not, no biggie.

 

Why You Should Do It:

“I like my girls curvy, tan skinned, and raised to respect their elders!”

The Asian head bow is something that no one has ever instructed me to do, I just do it because I see other Asians do it. It’s basically a casual way of saying, “I acknowledge you and I respect you” — or whatever kinda of zen bullshit you wanna come up with. It’s essentially the non-verbal equivalent of saying thank you and can be used towards anyone.

When To Do It/To Whom:

If all else fails and you can’t score with your Asian date, bowing to the cute Asian waiter might catch his attention! YOU NEVER KNOW!!

Whenever you’re engaging in some sort of business transaction: paying the cashier at the bookstore, giving your credit card to your waitress, or thanking the Sushi Chef after you leave the restaurant, make it a point to do the head bow. It doesn’t have to be some grandiose spectacle that requires precise timing and background music — you just do it. It’s quick and simple, much like a head-nod or a thumbs up. You especially do this towards older Asian people.

 

How You Can F*ck It Up:

lulz

Timing, intensity, and location are key. You can’t bow too slowly or else you’ll look like you’re seeking attention, nor can you bow too low or you’ll just look like those awkward Americans who doesn’t know jack shit about Asian culture. Additionally, you shouldn’t just do it any damn time you like or you might run the risk of coming off socially awkward.

It should merely be the cherry on top — not the entire goddamn ice cream itself. So relax… it’s not that difficult.

(VLOG) Q&A #1 – Are There Any Good Websites Where I Can Find Single Asian Guys?

This is my first official “vlog” so YAYYY! Hurray me! Hopefully my lazy ass will be able to do these as often as I can since I seem to have brain farts every time I try to write something out. This VLOG is still in a baby phase, so bare with me because I still need to iron out the kinks and figure out my groove. Got it? GOOD!

Enjoy!!! 🙂

 

Dating TIP For Asian Men: How To Show Non-Asian Women You’re Interested In Them

AHEM! ATTENTION ALL WOMEN:

“Omg! Isn’t that that Asian blogger guy?!”

If you could please excuse me, I would like to take a moment to speak with my fellow Asian male brothers. We have a few business proposals to discuss. Oh, don’t worry, this won’t take long. Please, enjoy the buffet of healthy salads that we set out for you in the lobby! See you all very soon!

Me: Alright, are they gone?
Handsome/Buff Asian Security Guard: Yes, sir!

“Ma’am, will you please stop stroking my pecs?”

Alright guys, we need to talk! You see, I’ve noticed a lot of you trying to get out into the dating world. That’s fantastic. I’m proud of you — no, really, I am. However, I’ve been looking around and some of you don’t seem to get it. Some of you still feel like you’re trapped in stereotypes and that no non-Asian girl will ever date you. And to some extent, that’s kinda true. But look at your damn self! You, in the back! All you do is play Diablo 3, watch Anime and listen to K-POP – what the HELL makes you think you’ll ever get that Black Princess of your dreams?!

AND YOU!

Yes, you, the Asian guy reading this! You say you want a German girlfriend yet the only thing interesting about you is your high score on XBOX Live? Do you guys get what I’m trying to say? No? Let me spell it out for you:

Women Want Interesting Men

Daniel Henney: Korean actor, likes to sing Jazz and is also a country boy at heart. Touche, brother, touche…

As an Asian man, you are expected to like and participate in certain activities: attend anime conventions, play MMORPGs, listen to K-POP and drive a Honda Civic. Now, I’m not trying to say that you should quit playing World of Warcraft nor am I suggesting you burn your collection of Big Bang CDs. What I am saying is that in order to be an attractive man – inside and out – you need to be attracted to multiple things. You need to have depth and variety to your interests. Think about it like this:

Which Asian Guy sounds more attractive?

Ben – a Chinese guy who works for Google, enjoys hiking, loves Ramen and is a fan of Naruto? Or…

Josh – a Chinese guy who works for Google, enjoys Boxing at the gym, loves sweet potato pie and goes Salsa dancing every week?

I know the question is subjective but the idea is that often times, your interests and experiences will dictate who you will end up dating. You like all things Asian and hate trying new foods yet you dream of dating a German girl? TOUGH SHIT. Unless that German girl just so happens to like playing Minecraft as much as you, you probably won’t catch her attention. The idea behind all of this is to make yourself worldly. Be the type of man that is unpredictable with his interests. Be the type of man who can listen to Latin Jazz on Sunday with his Mexican coworkers and go fly fishing with his White friends on Tuesday.

When I was single, I had absolutely no idea what type of girl I would end up dating. I didn’t know if she would end up being White, Latina or Black. All I knew was that if the right girl came into my life, I wanted to be ready. I wanted to take her out on dates and show her that I can relate to her in some way. She’s a Jewish Southern girl who likes going to Country music festivals? Great! I just spent a month learning and listening to Garth Brooks! She’s a Black girl from Brooklyn who sings Soul music in an Indie band? Fantastic! Sam Cooke is my new favorite artist!

So go out there! Listen to music from all over the world (from Bossanova in Brazil to Indian folk music), try all the cool restaurants in your city (the Polish deli downtown, the Ethiopian restaurant near school) and take an honest interest in various cultures and the issues and topics of interest within those cultures (Black women and their hair, Indian women and arranged marriages, etc.) You want to build yourself up, make yourself better and create the kind of man that you yourself would want to have sex with if you were a lady.

When it comes to dating, we all have our own checklist of what we want and what we’re attracted to. So what’s going to happen when a girl sees you and decides to check her list? When that time comes, are you going to fit any of her categories? Are you going to appeal to her love of watching independent films? Are you going to appreciate the writings of Langston Hughes like she does? Or are you just going to keep doing what you’re doing, not interested in other cultures, not interested in trying anything new and not interested in learning about the cultures that you so desperately wish to date. You decide.

Asian guy at a shooting range with his girlfriend.

Remember, as an Asian man you already have a lot of stereotypes going against you. People expect you to be shy and quiet. People expect you to be socially awkward and good at playing video games. But when a non-Asian girl expects to see all of that and you, an already cultured Asian man, tell her all about your adventures and interests, she’s gonna think, “Holy shit, this Asian guys is AMAZING! He’s full Asian yet he can cook authentic German food, he owns a ton of French films and he’s part of the Jamaican club at school?! DAMN, BOY! TAKE MY BODY, NOW!”

So go ahead! Go off into the world! Gain depth and experience! Run with he bulls in Spain and dance with the women at Carnaval! You don’t have to stay at home and watch Anime all day. You don’t have to be the Asian guy that everyone expects you to be! You are the goddamn master and creator of your own identity and if you wish to date Black women, go do it! If you wish to date European women, take it! Your experiences will be a bright signal that communicates, “Hey! Date me! I’m open minded!” You must understand that in order to find a worldly and intelligent woman, you need to be an equally intelligent and worldly man. Because if a non-Asian girl sees that you’re not open to other cultures, she probably will think you’re not interested in her. So please, my fellow Asian brothers, PROVE THEM WRONG!